Gunmax, I apologize for making this the first message I am sending you, especially after-
[A pause]
Shadowmaru has not responded to either my own messages or Kagerou's in months. I fear that it is my own fault, that the method of my arrival has made him-
[Another pause. Deckerd releases a quiet vent, then another]
I suppose what I am truly asking is...
What do you think it would take for Shado to answer again? I don't- I do not expect him to answer on my own behalf anymore. Whatever I did, it seems it is too broken to mend. But Kagerou needs him. That matters. That is important.
I do not always understand why you or Shado or anyone do the things that you do, and I just thought that... maybe the version of him you knew... maybe there would be some insight you could give me. Anything. Because if I cannot fix or solve what I have done, I at least-
I at least want to leave things better for Kagerou than the ruin I created.
I- [There are clicks from Deckerd's end as well, as his voxcoder resets several times]
When I first arrived, I was afraid for Yuuta. I wanted to get back to him. I behaved erratically, and threatened Kagerou and the vehicons. I did not have an ounce of the courage I once told Yuuta to keep with him, and I never apologized or tried to make it right for him or Kagerou while I adjusted. Once I had, he-
[More clicks, and when he speaks again his voice is uncharacteristically small]
I do not know what other conclusion there is to reach. I've begged, and he will not answer. He is either gone, or-
[ Oh this Deckerd is so much younger than the one Gunmax lost. It hurts,
honestly, how young he must have been when he was taken from his time.
His Yuuta must be so worried.
Gunmax pauses the wipe down of his beloved gunbike and sits back on his
stool. He's not much older or younger than this Deckerd then if he thinks
about it. Almost a year now. Half a year with him, half a year without. His
creation date was coming up fast.
How old is this Deckerd? One year? At most?
Young, and hardly the leader he tried so hard to be and emulate. Especially
without Yuuta here to help guide him. ]
Deckerd.
[ He should be careful how he speaks but Gunmax has never been good at
that. Not since Kirisaki. Not since Azuma. ]
Shadowmaru doesn't even show up on the ship when you do a scan. I know you
can see where we all are. The tracking tech in our badges isn't broken.
When I look at my badge, I see you, and I see me. Kagerou wouldn't show
because he was never an official Brave Police member. But ninja? He'd show
up.
He ain't ignoring you on purpose, patokaa. He just ain't getting your
messages.
Oh. [Deckerd doesn't sound relieved, and while he does make another sound with his mouth, it isn't a word, and he half swallows it]
I had- I thought mine had to be malfunctioning. Had hoped? But- but this is the better of the two options, surely? He isn't angry with me or Kagerou, and he was able to return home, where he ought to be. I don't know why I feel like-
[There is an even smaller metallic sound that might be Deckerd pulling his knees up to his chest]
Thank you. I apologize for taking up your time. It was a simple thing I should have been able to solve on my own, if I hadn't fallen apart.
You ain't wasting my time, patokaa, Deckerd, you know that. We're
partners. We're here for each other.
Just... Stay where you are, a'right? I'm coming to you now. You don't need
to be alone.
[ It's easy, so easy, to push off of his stool and wind his way through the
halls. He doesn't need to check where Deckerd is. He just knows. it's a
siren call from his systems to Deckerd's. ]
I get why you thought it was malfunctioning. You didn't have anyone else
from the team here to test it with. I would've thought the same thing.
[Deckerd was outside the labs watching the space bridge room and waiting for Yuuta and the others because of course he was, he always is, but now it seems he will have to add Shadowmaru to that list of names that feel so far away as to almost feel like-]
[When Gunmax arrives, Deckerd has pressed his face hard into his knees, the cables in his limbs and joints pulling tighter with tension. His speaks quietly, almost as if in afraid of breaking the vigil he is now holding for Shadowmaru, as if he were ill or dead rather than simply gone home]
Partners. [He vents it out, and leans towards Gunmax automatically without looking up even once to verify where he is, because he doesn't have to. His sensors could have been stricken from him and he would know where Gunmax is, the same way he'd thought he'd known where-] I remember, Makusu-tan. That doesn't stop me from making mistakes or wanting to ensure every minute you are here is worthwhile for you. That means something to me. The way you do, and-
[ He breathes it more than says it. But he folds himself down to Deckerd's
level, sitting by him and leaning back into his space. Gentle but firm. A
steady presence for him. ]
Patokaa, every moment with you is already worthwhile. You were lost to me
for six months. Every moment, every second, is a blessing I didn't have
before and I ain't one to hark on about miracles.
You don't have to stand vigil alone anymore, okay? Whatever, whoever, is
beyond that bridge... You can't do anything for them, and waiting around
isn't what Yuuta would want.
He'd tell you to look after those you have here. You know he would.
[Deckerd's immediate, reflexive sigh of a smile at Gunmax's words shakes, and he presses his face deeper into his knees, frowning and offlining his optics]
...You're right. I know you are right.
[He lifts his head up just enough to see a hint of the space bridge when he onlined his optics again, and starts to pick at the most recent welds on his hands]
But what if he comes through like you, and I'm not here? I don't want him to be alone if he-
[He ducks his head back down, not wanting to remind Gunmax of his own story, which has plainly been on his mind]
...You are still correct. He wouldn't want me to stay here when there are others who need me more than a rokm he and Shado and the others might not ever be in at all.
[Another sigh of a vent, and a deliberate puff of his cheeks that he used to tease when he was in a good mood]
If I became a poet without you looking, when did you become so wise, hmm?
Now, would he really be alone if he came through? The big guys are here, and Starscream is right across the hall.
[ Picking at his hands. Starscream had mentioned that Deckerd did that now. He shifted a little and carefully took Deckerd's hands in his own, looking over the weld marks with a small frown. ]
I spent six months without you, patokaa. Three of those months were spent on the run. Changes a mech.
[ Say nothing for the well-worn memory that rattled inside his processor. That memory, and everything around it... that had changed him. ]
But neither of us are alone now, yeah? We got each other. You ain't gotta stand on a silent vigil by yourself now. We'll keep an optic out for them coming back or coming through at all.
[ Gunmax heaved a sigh and wished, for not the first time, that he had a
human's capacity to pick up bad habits. From what he'd seen, nicotine was
powerful and great at soothing nerves and everything. Sure it fucked with
human's brains too but, you know, six in one half dozen in the other or
some shit.
The point was he could do with a drink or a smoke or literally anything.
He reached over though, stilling Deckerd's hands before they could pick at
the oil scabs too much. He squeezed, gently, and kept holding onto him. He
swiped his thumb across Deckerd's knuckles gently. ]
Deckerd.
[ He vented, deep and shaky, and then slanted a small smirk towards his
companion. ]
I've always been wise. I've just also been an ass.
[ True enough for the most part. He leaned into Deckerd a little, bumping
their shoulders together. ]
But hey. We know Yuuta, right? If he comes tumbling through that bridge,
the first thing he's gonna do is try and call you. No matter what.
[ After all, that was what had-- no. Better to stop that thought there. He
didn't want to walk that path right now. ]
You're his best friend. If he shows, he'll find you.
[Deckerd makes a small, helpless noise that is only half swallowed back, but he doesn't try to pull his hands away or to stop Gunmax, and in fact tucks himself closer wit his helm pressed against Gunmax's. This may or may not have been deliberate, so he wouldn't have to look his partner in the optic]
What if he- What if Yuuta is from your version of events, and he just-
[What if Gunmax's future was actually his own? What if he were to go home, only to die, for Yuuta to die? For Gunmax to be made into a felon on the run, and everyone gouged and bled with Deckerd's stolen memories of his own death?]
Right.
[It comes out a rasp, and he offlines his optics as he presses his face against Gunmax's shoulder. Not quite a kiss, as it hasn't occurred to him that they can be pressed other places, but the affection and desperate wish for Gunmax not to vanish when Deckerd isn't looking]
Right... [A shudder, quiet and slowing to stillness] You came, didn't you? You found me. It stands to reason he will, too. We were meant to find each other, and we always do. All that is left is- is waiting. The best part.
I wouldn't call waiting the best part. It's the hardest part for sure but...
[ He sucked in a deep vent and tipped his helm against Deckerd's, brushing
the barest of kisses against the top of one helm wing. ]
We found each other again. We'll find Yuuta too. Whether it's Yuuta from my
timeline, or from yours. Or some other random timeline, who knows. But
we'll find him.
It'll .. it'll be okay, Deckerd.
[ He wasn't good at comforting. He was trying his best. ]
[Deckerd keeps his optics offline, and shudders out a slow vent, then another. He thinks of how the last conversation he had with the Gunmax from his own side of the universes had been... forgettable. Ordinary. He isn't even sure that they'd properly said goodbye to each other, and that makes his fuel pump seize up in his chest. He pulls in a long, slow vent and lets it out. Another]
It will be fine, because we will make it fine. You cannot stop bad things from altering the course of your life, but we can control parts of the moment we are living through right now. [He pauses, and winds their fingers together. Perhaps a bit tighter and more desperate than he'd intended, but the smile he offers Gunmax is just as warm as ever] And this moment? Has you in it. Has you saying things we both know I don't believe, but what I do believe in is you and your heart. So... perhaps I do, after all.
[Deckerd makes another small noise that only gets smaller as he clutches at Gunmax, as if that could keep either of them from flying apart into pieces at the slightest touch]
I don't know that I can-
[He tucks his face closer and clumsily echoes the kiss Gunmax had given him on his helmet's wing, this time against whatever part of Gunmax's plating he can reach. He hadn't known you could do kisses in other places, the same way he hadn't expected Gunmax to bring him tumbling down without a sound]
I'll try. For you, I'll always try. I don't know that I'll succeed, but... For you.
hah! that's a heck of a voicemail message you've got going, newbie. i like it!
just checking in on all the ai while i've got half a minute, make sure none of you are on fire or spaced or bored or blown up. bored being the most important one, obviously. but knowing you've got one more name on the list of people you can go to if something big goes down can't hurt
anyway if you've got the time, we can do something fun like race or play games or spar or whatever you want, i'm not picky except when it comes to winning, because i'm obviously the most perfect at everything, except when i'm not
[This is sent shortly after his conversation with Kagerou, through text rather than audio because Deckerd knows very well that Gunmax would hear the strain in his voice attempt to talk him out of it. And maybe he would even succeed]
I am going to find him. Give me the time I need for this, and... Don't worry, he'll be okay. I'll make sure of it.
[Deckerd's reply is also delayed, but as soon as he has a spare moment after returning from Antlers' ship, he unthinkingly responds to the audio message with an audio one in response, which he will belatedly realize was a very big mistake]
You found him? [Deckerd releases a shaking vent and drags a hand down his face] That is a relief. I don't know what I could have done next. He wasn't where I thought to investigate and neither was Shadowmaru, I-
[A slight pause, and he adds hurriedly] Where are you both? Does he need to go to the engineering bay?
[ Oh there is something very wrong with how Deckerd sounds. It sets off all of Gunmax's alarm bells. He sits up straight and purses his mouth into a thin line. He's careful to keep it from showing in his voice though. ]
He was hiding in one of the walls. Got in there from the vents. He... no. He doesn't need the engineering bay. It's a bit more complicated than that.
[ Deckerd had gone looking for Shadowmaru as well then. Of course he had. Team leader always had to take everything on his shoulders. Gunmax shouldn't have expected anything less. ]
Patokaa, what did you do.
[ There is no wiggle room in his voice. He knows you did something Deckerd. He is giving you a chance to tell him. ]
[Deckerd leans back against the wall near Gunmax's habsuite and allows his optics to go offline]
Complicated. I've heard that before. It's usually code for 'bad.'
[He then pauses again as he realizes his mistake, but holds back a wince even though no one is around to see him]
I did what I thought I had to, Gunmax. I tried the direct approach. I tried going over security footage and publicly available messages on the network, also without success. I needed to try alternative methods.
[His mouth twists, and Deckerd suddenly finds himself wishing again, always, that Yuuta was here. Even if Yuuta wouldn't have been able to say anything helpful and probably would've been about to yell at him too, at least-]
I went to question the Megatron known as Antlers. He didn't do anything to them. And then I came back.
[ There's a sound almost like an aborted laugh. Bad was being polite about it. What he had seen... what he knew... It still makes Gunmax's tanks twist. But he's carefully quiet as he listens to Deckerd, letting him talk. Letting him explain.
The sudden explosion of air is the closest Gunmax gets to swearing when Deckerd finishes.
He's read over the logs. He knows of this Antlers. It was a fool decision and could have been disastrous and-- ]
Deckerd.
[ Gunmax doesn't yell. No it's worse. He sounds wrecked. In one sentence Deckerd has gone and confirmed all of Gunmax's worst fears for him running off and getting himself into trouble. Going where Gunmax can't follow.
Gunmax sounds afraid.
And then, so so softly it's barely even a whisper: ] Are you okay? He didn't do anything to you?
[Deckerd's optics flare back to life, pulled into brightness by Gunmax, by his voice and his fear and his-]
[Deckerd actually steps away from the wall as if to reach out for Gunmax, but he isn't here. He isn't here, and he thought --knew-- Deckerd might have- When Deckerd knew very well what situation Gunmax had come from-]
[Shame, sharp and overwhelming, nearly chokes him and it takes a second before he can force his voxcoder into remembering it can and will and must work, too]
Gunmax, it- No. I'm fine. I am fine. Listen to the sound of my voice. I am in one piece and I am back on the ship and I am safe.
[Deckerd hesitates, because... Because he knew there were words you were supposed to say when someone was panicking and it was your fault, but he didn't know them. Didn't know what to do, or how. He made a small, almost inaudible noise of distress that he quickly swallowed down with a silent snarl at himself]
What... what should I do? What do you need me to do?
[ The fear is still strong. It still thrums in his lines like hummingbird wings as Gunmax forces himself to vent in even, measured breaths. Deckerd is okay. Deckerd is on the ship. Deckerd wasn't hurt.
He closes his optics and sinks onto a chair, dragging his hand over his face. He can't help the way it shakes. His joints are almost stiff with the force of it. ]
Just--
[ His voice crackles out in a blip of static and there's a quiet click as he resets his vocoder. Overwhelmed. Still so, so afraid even though he knows it's okay. Even though he knows Deckerd is okay. It doesn't stop the flashbacks. It doesn't stop the ghost of Deckerd in his processor, laying in a pool of oil with a broken child in his hands, whispering how he was sorry, he didn't mean to--
Gunmax's vent is ragged and he almost drops the comm entirely. ]
I--
[ He opens his optics and stares at the far wall of his hab. He counts wall panels. Giving himself something to focus on outside of his own processor. He was supposed to be better than this. He was supposed to keep it together. He'd buried the memory file. It wasn't supposed to surface like this.
But then how could Gunmax know for sure that Deckerd was okay? Hadn't he hallucinated before? Hadn't he heard him before when there was nothing there? That was the price he paid for carrying those memory files inside of him. He couldn't trust his audials. Couldn't trust just the comm. Even when he looked at it, confirming that it was on and active he couldn't trust it. ]
[He was telling the whole truth this time. It is less than five minutes before the automatic door slides open and Deckerd strides in. He starts to reach for Gunmax now that he's here, but stops himself before they rise very far from his sides. His mouth starts to twist again into a snarl at his own selfishness, but he smooths it out and shoves it away where he only feels the cold of it]
[Deckerd approaches in silence and kneels in front of Gunmax in apology and supplication and shame. He finally reaches out to take one of Gunmax's hands in both of his and smooths his thumbs over his partner's]
Look at me. [He has minor dents and minor pains and his hands ache again from how he's been picking at the most recent patches, but-] This is what is happening, right here. I am fine. I am safe. I am here with you.
[He twitches at the sound of the door opening, and when he turns to look at
Deckerd for a moment there is a haunted look in his optics, like he's
seeing through Deckerd. There but not really. Stuck in his head.
Questioning his reality.
His shades are still off, leaving just the pale orange glow of his optics
in the darkness of his habsuite. He is so much more vulnerable like this.
So much of an open book.
It's easy, so so easy, to read the fear there. The indecision. The worry.
Even when Deckerd takes his hands, the curl of Gunmax's mouth suggests he
isn't sure this isn't just a very detailed hallucination.
It wouldn't be the first time after all. And he doubts it would be the last.
Each vent is shaky and shuddering; in and out in an uneven pattern as he
clings back to Deckerd and reality. Grounding himself in what he can.
Prying himself out of his memories. ]
... De-ck-erd.
[ Fragmented and static, but at least it's words. Acknowledging Deckerd's
presence. He inhales deep and squeezes Deckerd's hands as his antenna
swings back flat. ]
I-- sorry.
[ He hadn't meant to panic like this. Hadn't meant to spiral. ]
[Deckerd hunches around that hand and looks up at Gunmax with what is unfortunately a very familiar expression of agonized shame. He grips that hand and turns it before raising it to his lips to press a very gentle, if equally clumsy kiss into the center of his palm. He still isn't exactly used to kissing or even hugging, but he feels he needs to do this. Gunmax needs this]
No. [He says it firmly, but gentle as that kiss, as the cheek he presses into Gunmax's palm next] I won't accept an apology for something that shouldn't be apologized for in the first place. You were afraid. I made you-
[He swallows, and offlines his optics again so he won't have to see Gunmax's anymore. Gunmax usually kept his optics hidden. It felt like he was looking at something that didn't belong to him, that was invasive of him]
I don't- I have no idea what I'm doing but I know what I won't be. That is one of those things.
[ Gunmax doesn't like that Deckerd feels shame. The shame isn't Deckerd's to feel. Deckerd works in security for Godsake, of course, he's going to go off when someone is missing. Of course, he's going to get into dangerous situations. Gunmax knows that. He can't spiral into a panic every time Deckerd takes that chance at getting hurt.
But before he can voice that, Deckerd turns his optics off and the noise Gunmax lets out is almost feral. It's a high-pitched whine of overtaxed systems, the click-click-click of his vocoder shorting out and resetting. He curls his fingers around Deckerd's cheek and brings his other hand to Deckerd's shoulder.
Alive. Warm. A physical reminder.
It doesn't stop the ghostly overlay of a corpse at his feet.
He can't speak. He can't ask Deckerd to look at him. There is only the tremble in his hands, in his limbs; there is only the shaking of each vent as he struggles and struggles to draw air over his too-warm systems. Please, please, he can't do this again. He can't see ghosts where living mechs sit. ]
[Deckerd's face twists into a puzzled expression but he doesn't turn his optics back on yet, preoccupied with putting together what his sensors were telling him. Gunmax's hands were shaking, he was making noise, he-]
[Deckerd's optics flare back on so quickly that the initial flash must have been too bright, he knew it was too bright without Gunmax's shades-]
[He is up and on his feet and drawing Gunmax up even as he half collapses into him] I'm alive! [He says fiercely, or tries to, but his voice cracks with desperation of his own] I'm alive, I'm alive, it's okay. You don't have to-
[He turns his face to bury it against Gunmax's helmet, then again to press kiss after kiss against his cheek, each one punctuated by the same words]
I'm alive, I'm alive, do you feel this? I'm alive.
[ Each ragged vent is more whine than air as the trembling moves from
Gunmax's limbs to his frame at large. He sinks into Deckerd; warm, alive,
present. Speaking to him and assuring him in ways his hallucinations never
did.
He should have gotten that debugged when he had the chance.
He clings. God does he cling. He grabs onto Deckerd with both hands and he
holds so tight he might break something but he can't bring himself to say
sorry because what if what if what if--
There is a corpse in his mind and it is covered in oil and it whispers
apologies to him every night. It says "I love you" and "I'm sorry" and "I
tried" and Gunmax wakes up every morning by disabling his vocoder so he
doesn't scream.
He pants and it's harsh, jagged. But it works to cool his rapidly heating
frame. He turns his head just enough to tuck his face into Deckerd's neck
and inhales ozone and motor oil, moving components of a mech that is
alive.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the trembling subsides. ]
I'm sorry.
[ His voice is glitchy, but it's there. Whisper soft and more binary than
words, but it's there. ]
[The welds on Deckerd's aching hands creak and sting as he clutches at Gunmax just as tightly. With his face turned where Gunmax can't see it, Deckerd lets his expression crumple. He lets himself feel the guilt and worry and shame and spiraling panic about what if this happened again what if Gunmax couldn't be calmed down what if Deckerd really had gotten hurt and Gunmax found out...]
[He feels all of that, sucks in his own shuddering vent and then a second one, but only those. No more. Gunmax needed him calm and he needed him to be reassuring. This was not the time to be useless in a crisis, because what Gunmax didn't need was for Deckerd to get into a loop of Gunmax's panic making Deckerd panic, which would lead to Gunmax panicking even more-]
[No.]
You do not need to- it is... okay. [His voice comes out as a rasp] Now we know, don't we? Don't shut off my optics around you, or at least not when you're already on edge. We're learning what helps you. Which means that you have actually been very good, the way you always are. Very brave. [That last part is followed by a strained laugh, but he also genuinely means it] It- it isn't a failing to be afraid. I've got you. I'm here. I'm alive.
[ Now they know. Just another flag he needs to add to his growing list because one wrong move in an already sensitive state sends him spiraling and--
How is he supposed to do his job like this? How is he supposed to keep Deckerd safe? Or anyone for that matter?
He knows it isn't fair or right of him to think of himself that way but he can't help it. Now that the panic is fading all that's left is annoyance at himself, at the situation, at letting his guard down enough to get blindsided by someone turning off their optics of all things--
He takes a shuddering vent and leans into Deckerd. It's okay. They're okay. Just breathe. Just breathe. ]
Feels like one.
[ It feels like failing. It always feels like failing. His fear was what led to-- was what meant--
He slams the memory files shut and shoves them down, down, down deep into his processor. No more today. No more. ]
Of course it does. [Deckerd snorts it affectionately, and forces his hands to gentle on Gunmax and smooth in what he hoped were soothing patterns] You're you. You're one of mine, were long before either of us said anything. We all came pre-installed with what I believe Todo once called 'control issues.' There was never any chance that you wouldn't think so. But...
[Another soft, shuddering vent he does his best not to allow to linger]
I can only hope that hearing it can be added to a pile of similar things, and that one day it will tilt the invisible scales in your favor. Besides... if it was a failure...
[His fingers tightened again at his own hypocrisy in what he was about to say, and he smoothed them back into those patterns]
Would that be so bad? People fail, every day. Why does it have to mean anything?
[ That does, at least, manage to get Gunmax to wheeze out a half laugh. Control issues. Yeah, Todou would say that. And hell if it wasn't true. Gunmax was known for having some of the worst control issues and he admits it every day.
He relaxes slowly as Deckerd traces patterns. Simple things that he can follow without looking. It comforting and soothing and it eases the tension out of his frame until he's almost limp against the older Brave.
He always forgets how much energy panic takes from him. Whoever coded that program needed to look over it again.
But Gunmax still hums a quiet sound in response. He curls his arms around Deckerd, holding him, and breathes an almost sigh. ]
I know this is about me right now, but giving hypocritical advice is a bad look, patokaa.
[ Finally the static has left his voice, leaving him just sounding tired and worn down. ]
[Deckerd slowly relaxes as well, and for a moment or two he allows himself to simply take comfort of his own from holding Gunmax and being held. Not too long, though, never too long. He needs to stay focused and on task. Not because it is his duty to be and he is coded to do his duty in all things, but because his heart burns to do everything he can to make things even a little better for Gunmax]
It is a good thing then that you are so overwhelmed by how true and meaningful it was, [Deckerd says with heavy layers of false sincerity] that we don't ever need to talk about what I said ever again. Or how you are going to take it to heart and relax, no matter what that takes.
[Deckerd doesn't always truly get humor but he wants to make the attempt, just as much as what he does next, which is to stand and pull Gunmax after him]
Starting with a recharge, right now. Another one of my very wise and not at all hypocritical ideas. I will be with you. [He adds this more gently] I will stay right here until you wake up again, if you want me to.
[ The soft laugh that pulls from Gunmax is leagues better than anything else Deckerd could have gotten. He cycles his optics and leans back a little as he's pulled to his feet. ]
We're gonna talk about it, Deckerd. Just not today.
[ He's too tired for it today. Which is also why he's not fighting the way Deckerd guides him back to the bed. But worry does briefly flicker across his expression. He squeezes Deckerd's hands gently as he follows. ]
I do. I want you to stay. I just--
[ He swallows and cycles his optics again. ]
I have nightmares. Frequently. As a warning.
[ Not asking Deckerd to leave. Not trying to scare him off. Just... letting him know. ]
[Deckerd squeezes Gunmax's hand right back, relieved beyond words that he is still able to make Gunmax laugh. He might be responsible for every other part of this situation, but at least he could still pull Gunmax out of the tailspin he'd shoved him into]
Having the opportunity to spend more time with you isn't such a hardship. Nightmares will just be another part of what that means.
[He then glances at the bed as he gently guides Gunmax into sitting on the edge of it and laughs a little self consciously. He starts to fidget with his hands until the welds pull painfully and he immediately stops]
All these months later and I am still far more used to recharging as a patrol car or in a cradle, rather than whatever this is, so I am glad you have grown comfortable with it. Should I pull up your chair, or...?
Spend a few months sleeping on the streets and anything is luxury. Cradle,
bed, doesn't much make a difference to me now.
[ He looks up at Deckerd, amusement dimming the glow of his optics into
something soft and barely there. He takes one of Deckerd's hands and kisses
his palm gently, lovingly. A moment later, he tugs Deckerd onto the bed
next to him. ]
You need to recharge too. And I'll sleep better if you're right beside me.
[ An excuse to cuddle? Perhaps. But Gunmax isn't above such tactics. ]
[Deckerd starts to open his mouth to apologize when Gunmax takes his hand and-]
[And he-]
[Deckerd gapes, his finials twitching, but he has entirely forgotten what he was going to say so he just sort of aimlessly stutters as he's tugged onto the bed. His sensors immediately register a difference in his internal temperature in his cheeks, but it is fine, everything is fine. Added to that... It has been longer than some would have liked since he last recharged, and now that he's lying down and isn't moving, it is a lot harder to ignore]
[He resets his voxcoder, but his voice still comes out more than a little unsteady for reasons he is sure have very little to do with being so near to Gunmax]
I have never once needed recharge since I was first activated, but if it will do you good, I suppose. [He says it teasingly, but he is already leaning into Gunmax. He keeps the hand Gunmax had kissed closer to his chest as if he can keep it like a secret, even though nothing stays forever. He knows that. He understands. But... maybe the universe can be convinced to forget that for a little while, so he can pretend]
[ Gunmax laughs and throws his arm around Deckerd, pulling him in close. He tucks his head underneath Deckerd's chin and nestles in, relaxing. The faint whine of his systems fades almost instantly, soothed by Deckerd's presence and closeness. He sighs and lets himself go limp. ]
Thank you. For coming back, and for staying with me.
[ He murmurs it, the words half buried in Deckerd's neck. ]
[Deckerd wants to make promises in this moment, but he can't. They would both know they would be lies. He wants to stay like this forever, but he can't]
[He can stay here right now, however, so he does. So he trails his fingers in those aimless, comforting patterns from earlier and allows himself to actually relax for the first time all day. He curls around Gunmax and the tension drains away from him as if he'd sprung a leak somewhere, until all that is left is warmth and the soft hum of Gunmax's systems against him]
I love you, too. [He says it back just as quietly, already drowsy, and nuzzles the top of Gunmax's head with his cheek] I'll be here when you wake up. It's okay to sleep. It's safe. You won't be alone with your nightmares.
Deckerd sat in a disused hallway in a deliberately random part of the ship, and he wrote out a message to Starscream and Ultra Magnus and Gold Arm and Orion Pax. After he was done, he very calmly minimized the messenger function and pulled up schematics for a computer that was reasonably similar to diagrams he had last seen back home on the engineers' computers. The diagram was of computer chips, and a passage to the left side of the screen explained how data was stored and went on to show how to recover or delete sequences.
Deckerd spent another few minutes reading this over with glazed over optics. It took multiple attempts for him to absorb the information. Both because it felt like it was delivered to him from far away and through muffling layers of cotton, but also because it had to fight past the echoes of yesterday's conversation with Six Oh Four.
He had gotten Yuuta killed.
Yuuta had been killed in large part because of his own recklessness.
This --he-- was the source of Gunmax's nightmares and hallucinations.
The words floated around and around and around his processor as they had every minute of every hour since they had been said to him, but he knew what to do now. He understood. He understood that he could not cope with knowing these things. He understood that as an AI, his world and his mind were defined by data.
The answer then, was simple.
Deckerd had returned to the brigade labs on his way out of security this evening, and took tools that the video assured him he would need. He then walked and he walked, and he sat.
He wrote the messages that he had initially tried and failed to use as a way to distract himself but which he thought still deserved to be said, and then he removed his helmet. The delicate hardware of his processor now partially exposed, Deckerd consulted the diagram again. It told him what to do.
It was easy.
Somewhere far away and growing farther was a voice attempting to catch his attention. Maybe it was his own, or Gunmax's, or Starscream's, or Gold Arm's, or Soundwave's.
He ignored it.
It was easy.
Everything already felt both too far away and too close, suffocating and alarming and far, far too much, and it was a relief to instead pay attention to one step after another. To connecting a cord from his datapad to a port just beneath his audial. It was uncomfortable. He ignored that, too.
He then used his datapad to begin to hunt down and delete files. At first, it was easy. As easy as venting or holding a hand or laughing at the cape Starscream had worn to a party.
He no longer was quite certain which one.
As he kept going and going, the hand he'd kept cupped protectively against his head started to shake, scratching down the length of exposed parts. His vision blurred, and thoughtless, wordless noises began to pour out of his mouth in a stream. He had manually deactivated his comm before he'd started, but it clicked on again now as he began to thrash.
The word he said between bursts of crackling static was not Yuuta's name.
It was no secret to Gunmax that Deckerd wasn't doing well. Considering what Deckerd had been told--which Gunmax had firmly told Six was to stay a secret==it isn't a surprise at all that Deckerd spent the following 24 hours disassociating. But Deckerd being Deckerd had been determined to work, and Gunmax hadn't been able to follow him.
And then Deckerd hadn't come back.
He hadn't come back, his comms were offline, and Gunmax didn't know where Deckerd was.
Right until his comms clicked back on and Deckerd was there in his audials screaming.
Gunmax froze, his systems instantly whining with fear. No. No no no. No. He couldn't afford to freeze up now. Not with that sound. Not with-- Not when--
:: Deckerd? Deckerd, I'm coming. Hold on. Just hold on, patokaa. ::
He opened the tracker, pinging Deckerd's signal, and booked it down the halls. Why was Deckerd there? Why was Deckerd still screaming? Gunmax didn't like it. He didn't like it at all.
He practically skidded into the hall where the tracker said Deckerd was, his vents heaving. "Deckerd!"
Deckerd lay crumpled on the floor like a discarded doll, optics strobing on and off as he twitched and seized. Sounds continued to bubble up from his mouth. Some of sounded human, some didn't, but all of it climbed higher and higher in pitch.
Deckerd was only faintly aware of anything outside of himself. There was noise, movement, but his whole world had narrowed down to scattered, disconnected audio and visual clips flashing through his mind at a frantic pace.
Red and red and snarling gold, "-if you crash around like a damn newbuild? If you break our only damn way of getting-"
Hands reaching out, a glimpse of a visor that scattered sparks through his mind. "-scared and stressed and in a new place, I get it, sugar. But you gotta stop and think, hun. If you hurt yourself tryin' to get back to Yuuta he's gonna be upse-"
"-ou keep that up," red and white and a scratchy voice that he wanted back before it'd even finished, "you are going to injure yours-."
Purple on purple lights that pulsed along to the words, “-you–move forward–with–what you’ve–learned-”
Angles and colors that hurt, that make Deckerd keen a noise that fell apart. "-ve, Deckerd. It's-"
A voice in his audial he no longer recognized as his own or understood, but there, there was a clip accompanying it of Yuuta smiling, Yuuta's mouth moving silently, Yuuta Yuuta Yuuta. Deckerd tried to reach out a hand for him but the video fell apart and all that was left was the great, teetering wall that loomed in his mind like a wave, obliterating everything in its path.
Robots aren't supposed to seize like that. The only time Gunmax can remember ever seeing something like that before was when one of them got electrocuted. Shocked by a giant cattle prod that some villain had that Drill Boy hadn't dodged fast enough.
Seeing Deckerd writhing on the hallway floor? It made him sick to his core and ice cold. Numb in a way that nothing could touch.
His worst fears realized all over again.
Deckerd was dying in front of him.
It couldn't be anything else. Or at least, that's what his processor told him. Deckerd was seizing and screaming and those weren't words anymore or even recognizable binary it was just sound and—
Gunmax hit his knees at Deckerd's side. Carefully, oh so carefully, he pulled his partner into his lap and cradled the bare endoskull. "I'm right here, Deckerd. I'm right here, I'm not leaving you."
"Just stay with me in the current moment, okay? Don't go running into the future or the past. Just... Stay with me."
"I don't know that I can- I'll try. For you, I'll always try. I don't know that I'll succeed, but... For you."
"Just hold tight, Patokaa. You're gonna— you're gonna be just fine. Just— just stay with me, okay? I'm gonna get you help." Gunmax's voice trembled, wavering with static, and he slammed his emotions onto the backburner. The lowest level of his processor was dedicated to sorting through those now. He needed to be calm and collected for Deckerd.
Deckerd needed him. Gunmax was not going to fail him again.
He reached for the data pad, scanning over the contents quickly. His tanks churned uncomfortably, even empty as they were. Memory files…? Deckerd had been—?
He vented slow and steady. He could panic later. He could yell later. Right now, right now he needed help from someone who understood coding better than he did. He flicked open his internal comms and dialed without questioning the first name he thought of.
::Gunmax?::
::Six.:: Gunmax pinged his location to the medic, ignoring the part of his processor that yelled about how this was Six's fault. That he couldn't trust Six to fix the problem. ::Deckerd is dying. He did something to his memory files.::
::His memory— he what?::
::Can you fix it or not, Six oh Four.::
::I don't know? Why would— is this because—::
::Yeah, I'm pretty fucking sure it's because you told him what happened in my universe. Now either get your ass up here and help me fix this or send me a medic that can.::
Silence stretched between them, broken only by the noise Deckerd made and the harsh whine of Gunmax's systems trying to send him into a panic. He ignored both until Six responded again.
::En route. Two minutes. What is he doing.::
Gunmax slumped over Deckerd, his mouth quivering for a moment. He didn't trust Six as far as he could throw him now, but he trusted Six to be a good medic. So he reported what was going on as accurately as he could, answering every question that Six tossed at him as the tankette drove.
Six unfolded into his root mode as he came around the corner, jogging the last few steps to Deckerd and Gunmax. His mouth was pressed into a thin line and he pulled supplies from his side bag as he moved. "Hold him still. His systems aren't going to like another person getting into them while he's attacking himself like this."
"What is his system doing?" Gunmax asked, looking up at Six. Orange met green through two layers of shades and Six's hands shook for one brief moment before he steadied them.
"In my timeline, my universe, I almost did the same thing he did." Six sank to his knees and took the datapad from Gunmax, carefully scanning through the coding that Deckerd had messed with. "We're lucky he used an external device to do this. I hacked through my internal systems. Memory files are easy to corrupt, and if you try to fix a corrupted file they can spread and corrupt your base processor."
"What do you— you knew this could happen?" Gunmax hissed.
"Shadowmaru stopped me! I thought Deckerd would have been smarter than to try something like this if a member of his own team had warned me off of it before. Everyone knows that Deckerd was wiped before and it didn't take because Yuuta's influence on him was too strong. Deckerd's memories are practically tamper proof. He's a fucking case study in the states. My creator constantly praised how well he was built and how strong his mental walls had to be to withstand what he did with the Mother attack and dying and coming back and—"
"Shut up. This Deckerd isn't that Deckerd. You should know better than anyone that not every universe is the same."
"Yeah, no shit, Sherlock. Twenty points for you." Six snorted and grabbed his own medical tablet, unspooling a cable and plugging it into Deckerd. "Keep him still. If he thrashes too much before I can turn off the pain receptors he can rupture a line. We need to keep his systems cool so he doesn't melt his sAI."
Gunmax gritted his teeth but did as Six said, reaching to steady Deckerd's shoulders and upper arms.
Six bit his tongue between his teeth and worked as fast as he dared. The damage was… extensive to say the least. The corruption had spread to multiple core memories, and it was as though the basic programming wasn't there at all. He swore under his breath and dug through the files, then dug through the deleted files.
Why wasn't it there?
"Deckerd what did you do?" he muttered. He pulled up the base coding of Deckerd's sAI and froze. "Oh. Oh shit." That might not be something he could fix after all.
"What 'oh shit', Six?" Gunmax asked lowly.
Six forced himself to vent slow and steady, not letting the spike of panic get the best of him. He could fix it. He would fix it. Deckerd just… Deckerd just needed a fresh sAI code. Not his, or Gunmax's. They wouldn't be compatible since their base coding was so thoroughly entrenched in their personality matrix but… where was he going to get a back up sAI? They didn't have back up sAIs on the R2.
The partially melted chip in his hip pocket burned in reminder.
If he reformatted it—
He'd lose Trip forever.
If he didn't then they'd lose Deckerd.
Trip was already dead.
Deckerd was dying.
The choice should have been easy. It should have been. And yet still Six hesitated. He hadn't even told anyone that he was carrying Trip. He had kept it a secret tucked close to his chest. His failure and burden to bear, the last thing he had of his brother. Could he give that up?
And then he looked at Deckerd, looked at Gunmax hunched over his head, and felt his chest squeeze tight until he couldn't breathe around it.
I'm sorry, Trip.
He didn't answer Gunmax, choosing instead to pull the sAI out of his pocket and carefully connect it to his tablet. He numbed himself to it as he clicked through the menus, reformatting the chip. The tablet chimed a cheerful tune when it finished. Six felt it like a knife in the gut.
"This may not fix everything. He'll probably still need to do some form of therapy, physical too, but it should at least get him back online." His voice sounded distant to even himself. That was fine.
He'd killed Trip a second time. What kind of older brother was he?
At least the coding was easy. Six had been messing with code longer than he'd been on the R2 at this point. He copied the clean files into Deckerd, restored the files, and ran a scan to make sure everything came up clear. Only then did he disconnect everything.
"Deckerd?" he asked, leaning over his patient. "Hey, sugar, can you hear us? Give us a sign that you're back with us."
Gunmax stroked his fingers over Deckerd's cheeks. "Come on, patokaa."
Deckerd's optics flickered as his systems turned over and started to gently hum. The slack, pained fall of his mouth twitched along with his fingers, and he made a small noise as his optics flickered again before catching and brightening to life.
Deckerd looked up at Gunmax and Six, and for a long moment that lasted a thousand years and three seconds, he did nothing more than look. Then his mouth moved, but all that came out was noises. Parts of words that didn't make sense mixed with static.
Everything was coming to him through a fog, but he was becoming increasingly aware that he was confused, and that he was unhappy. Something was wrong, something was-
"He told me, you know. He told me about you in his universe. How he lost you. How you lost Yuuta. He has nightmares and hallucinations about you. And you know the worst part, Deckerd? He told m-"
Deckerd's vents whined as he started to vent fast and harshly. He didn't know why he was here, why he was on his back on the floor with his head in Gunmax's lap with Six bent over him, why he couldn't talk or why his limbs weren't responding properly when he tried to move, but he'd hurt Yuuta he'd killed Yuuta, he'd-
Deckerd reached up a shaking hand for Gunmax, but the first words he managed to say over the comms weren't about him at all the way he'd intended. Instead, he slurred in a faint, stumbling voice, ::I'm still charging, I need more time.::
Gunmax caught Deckerd's hand, pressing the back of it to his mouth. He might have sobbed, but it was trapped behind his teeth and swallowed down so he didn't distress Deckerd further. "Hey, patokaa. Hey there." He squeezed his hand and kissed Deckerd's knuckles gently. "Yeah I bet you need more time. You gave me quite the scare there."
He flicked his gaze up to Six as Six wound up the cables. "Well?"
"Scans are coming back as clean as they could be. He needs rest, and probably some therapy. He'll be confused for a bit, probably a bit slower than normal. His systems are going to be rebooting for a while," Six said softly. He slipped the chip back into his pocket and tucked the tablets back into his bag. "He's going to be okay, Gunmax."
Gunmax bent over Deckerd and pressed his mouth against Deckerd's knuckles again, whispering a thankful prayer to a God he wasn't sure he totally believed in. "Let's... Let's go get you to a berth, yeah, Deckerd? That way you can rest."
Deckerd stared down at his hands where they rested in his lap. His thoughts were less clouded than they had been initially, but far from what it had been before. His hands still shook and he tired easily if he tried walking around, which was yet another source of endless frustration. Added to that he sometimes could've sworn that he was still losing time, but he was so confused to start with that it was often hard to tell.
And the memories of that conversation with Six... it hasn't worked. He'd nearly died for nothing. Terrified Gunmax and Six and Starscream for nothing.
He looked up when he heard Gunmax come in, then back down.He didn't know what to say. He never did. After a moment, he lifted up the datapad in his lap. ::You said I could use your spare datapad when you aren't here. I tried organizing your homescreen,:: he said tiredly, but his smile twitched up into an attempt at a smile, ::but I think that is beyond anyone's skills.::
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
Audio, UN: Patokiichi
Date: 2024-06-14 02:49 am (UTC)[A pause]
Shadowmaru has not responded to either my own messages or Kagerou's in months. I fear that it is my own fault, that the method of my arrival has made him-
[Another pause. Deckerd releases a quiet vent, then another]
I suppose what I am truly asking is...
What do you think it would take for Shado to answer again? I don't- I do not expect him to answer on my own behalf anymore. Whatever I did, it seems it is too broken to mend. But Kagerou needs him. That matters. That is important.
I do not always understand why you or Shado or anyone do the things that you do, and I just thought that... maybe the version of him you knew... maybe there would be some insight you could give me. Anything. Because if I cannot fix or solve what I have done, I at least-
I at least want to leave things better for Kagerou than the ruin I created.
Re: Audio, UN: Patokiichi
Date: 2024-06-14 04:20 am (UTC)[ There is an audible click as the communicator is picked up, and Gunmax comes online over the channel. ]
Whoa there, patokaa. Slow down a second, yeah? Why don't you tell me first what you think you might have broken.
I know I'm a good cop an all but I still can't solve a case I don't have any pieces for.
[ A beat, and then softer. ] And it's okay, you not calling. I know that things have been... Busy.
no subject
Date: 2024-06-14 05:57 am (UTC)When I first arrived, I was afraid for Yuuta. I wanted to get back to him. I behaved erratically, and threatened Kagerou and the vehicons. I did not have an ounce of the courage I once told Yuuta to keep with him, and I never apologized or tried to make it right for him or Kagerou while I adjusted. Once I had, he-
[More clicks, and when he speaks again his voice is uncharacteristically small]
I do not know what other conclusion there is to reach. I've begged, and he will not answer. He is either gone, or-
no subject
Date: 2024-06-14 06:06 am (UTC)[ Oh this Deckerd is so much younger than the one Gunmax lost. It hurts, honestly, how young he must have been when he was taken from his time.
His Yuuta must be so worried.
Gunmax pauses the wipe down of his beloved gunbike and sits back on his stool. He's not much older or younger than this Deckerd then if he thinks about it. Almost a year now. Half a year with him, half a year without. His creation date was coming up fast.
How old is this Deckerd? One year? At most?
Young, and hardly the leader he tried so hard to be and emulate. Especially without Yuuta here to help guide him. ]
Deckerd.
[ He should be careful how he speaks but Gunmax has never been good at that. Not since Kirisaki. Not since Azuma. ]
Shadowmaru doesn't even show up on the ship when you do a scan. I know you can see where we all are. The tracking tech in our badges isn't broken. When I look at my badge, I see you, and I see me. Kagerou wouldn't show because he was never an official Brave Police member. But ninja? He'd show up.
He ain't ignoring you on purpose, patokaa. He just ain't getting your messages.
no subject
Date: 2024-06-14 06:25 am (UTC)I had- I thought mine had to be malfunctioning. Had hoped? But- but this is the better of the two options, surely? He isn't angry with me or Kagerou, and he was able to return home, where he ought to be. I don't know why I feel like-
[There is an even smaller metallic sound that might be Deckerd pulling his knees up to his chest]
Thank you. I apologize for taking up your time. It was a simple thing I should have been able to solve on my own, if I hadn't fallen apart.
no subject
Date: 2024-06-14 06:35 am (UTC)Ah, hey now. None of that.
[ He knows. He recognizes the sound. ]
You ain't wasting my time, patokaa, Deckerd, you know that. We're partners. We're here for each other.
Just... Stay where you are, a'right? I'm coming to you now. You don't need to be alone.
[ It's easy, so easy, to push off of his stool and wind his way through the halls. He doesn't need to check where Deckerd is. He just knows. it's a siren call from his systems to Deckerd's. ]
I get why you thought it was malfunctioning. You didn't have anyone else from the team here to test it with. I would've thought the same thing.
no subject
Date: 2024-06-14 06:52 am (UTC)[When Gunmax arrives, Deckerd has pressed his face hard into his knees, the cables in his limbs and joints pulling tighter with tension. His speaks quietly, almost as if in afraid of breaking the vigil he is now holding for Shadowmaru, as if he were ill or dead rather than simply gone home]
Partners. [He vents it out, and leans towards Gunmax automatically without looking up even once to verify where he is, because he doesn't have to. His sensors could have been stricken from him and he would know where Gunmax is, the same way he'd thought he'd known where-] I remember, Makusu-tan. That doesn't stop me from making mistakes or wanting to ensure every minute you are here is worthwhile for you. That means something to me. The way you do, and-
no subject
Date: 2024-06-14 07:08 am (UTC)Gods, you're young.
[ He breathes it more than says it. But he folds himself down to Deckerd's level, sitting by him and leaning back into his space. Gentle but firm. A steady presence for him. ]
Patokaa, every moment with you is already worthwhile. You were lost to me for six months. Every moment, every second, is a blessing I didn't have before and I ain't one to hark on about miracles.
You don't have to stand vigil alone anymore, okay? Whatever, whoever, is beyond that bridge... You can't do anything for them, and waiting around isn't what Yuuta would want.
He'd tell you to look after those you have here. You know he would.
no subject
Date: 2024-06-14 10:28 pm (UTC)...You're right. I know you are right.
[He lifts his head up just enough to see a hint of the space bridge when he onlined his optics again, and starts to pick at the most recent welds on his hands]
But what if he comes through like you, and I'm not here? I don't want him to be alone if he-
[He ducks his head back down, not wanting to remind Gunmax of his own story, which has plainly been on his mind]
...You are still correct. He wouldn't want me to stay here when there are others who need me more than a rokm he and Shado and the others might not ever be in at all.
[Another sigh of a vent, and a deliberate puff of his cheeks that he used to tease when he was in a good mood]
If I became a poet without you looking, when did you become so wise, hmm?
no subject
Date: 2024-06-15 07:20 am (UTC)Now, would he really be alone if he came through? The big guys are here, and Starscream is right across the hall.
[ Picking at his hands. Starscream had mentioned that Deckerd did that now. He shifted a little and carefully took Deckerd's hands in his own, looking over the weld marks with a small frown. ]
I spent six months without you, patokaa. Three of those months were spent on the run. Changes a mech.
[ Say nothing for the well-worn memory that rattled inside his processor. That memory, and everything around it... that had changed him. ]
But neither of us are alone now, yeah? We got each other. You ain't gotta stand on a silent vigil by yourself now. We'll keep an optic out for them coming back or coming through at all.
no subject
Date: 2024-07-07 12:43 am (UTC)[ Gunmax heaved a sigh and wished, for not the first time, that he had a human's capacity to pick up bad habits. From what he'd seen, nicotine was powerful and great at soothing nerves and everything. Sure it fucked with human's brains too but, you know, six in one half dozen in the other or some shit.
The point was he could do with a drink or a smoke or literally anything.
He reached over though, stilling Deckerd's hands before they could pick at the oil scabs too much. He squeezed, gently, and kept holding onto him. He swiped his thumb across Deckerd's knuckles gently. ]
Deckerd.
[ He vented, deep and shaky, and then slanted a small smirk towards his companion. ]
I've always been wise. I've just also been an ass.
[ True enough for the most part. He leaned into Deckerd a little, bumping their shoulders together. ]
But hey. We know Yuuta, right? If he comes tumbling through that bridge, the first thing he's gonna do is try and call you. No matter what.
[ After all, that was what had-- no. Better to stop that thought there. He didn't want to walk that path right now. ]
You're his best friend. If he shows, he'll find you.
no subject
Date: 2024-07-07 01:04 am (UTC)What if he- What if Yuuta is from your version of events, and he just-
[What if Gunmax's future was actually his own? What if he were to go home, only to die, for Yuuta to die? For Gunmax to be made into a felon on the run, and everyone gouged and bled with Deckerd's stolen memories of his own death?]
Right.
[It comes out a rasp, and he offlines his optics as he presses his face against Gunmax's shoulder. Not quite a kiss, as it hasn't occurred to him that they can be pressed other places, but the affection and desperate wish for Gunmax not to vanish when Deckerd isn't looking]
Right... [A shudder, quiet and slowing to stillness] You came, didn't you? You found me. It stands to reason he will, too. We were meant to find each other, and we always do. All that is left is- is waiting. The best part.
no subject
Date: 2024-07-07 01:27 am (UTC)I wouldn't call waiting the best part. It's the hardest part for sure but...
[ He sucked in a deep vent and tipped his helm against Deckerd's, brushing the barest of kisses against the top of one helm wing. ]
We found each other again. We'll find Yuuta too. Whether it's Yuuta from my timeline, or from yours. Or some other random timeline, who knows. But we'll find him.
It'll .. it'll be okay, Deckerd.
[ He wasn't good at comforting. He was trying his best. ]
no subject
Date: 2024-07-07 01:44 am (UTC)It will be fine, because we will make it fine. You cannot stop bad things from altering the course of your life, but we can control parts of the moment we are living through right now. [He pauses, and winds their fingers together. Perhaps a bit tighter and more desperate than he'd intended, but the smile he offers Gunmax is just as warm as ever] And this moment? Has you in it. Has you saying things we both know I don't believe, but what I do believe in is you and your heart. So... perhaps I do, after all.
no subject
Date: 2024-07-07 02:22 am (UTC)[ Gunmax huffed out a quiet laugh and pressed a soft kiss to Deckerd's helm. Just barely brushing over his plating. ]
I've proven you wrong before, patokaa. I can do it again.
[ He tangled his fingers with Deckerd's, squeezing back just as firmly. ]
You're the smartest mech I know, Deckerd. But you're also the most likely to overthink. So just...
[ He made a small sound, an almost frustrated one, and pressed his face into Deckerd's helm, hiding himself away. ]
Just stay with me in the current moment, okay? Don't go running into the future or the past. Just... Stay with me.
no subject
Date: 2024-07-18 04:06 am (UTC)I don't know that I can-
[He tucks his face closer and clumsily echoes the kiss Gunmax had given him on his helmet's wing, this time against whatever part of Gunmax's plating he can reach. He hadn't known you could do kisses in other places, the same way he hadn't expected Gunmax to bring him tumbling down without a sound]
I'll try. For you, I'll always try. I don't know that I'll succeed, but... For you.
Text, UN: P3RF3C710N
Date: 2024-06-26 02:31 am (UTC)just checking in on all the ai while i've got half a minute, make sure none of you are on fire or spaced or bored or blown up. bored being the most important one, obviously. but knowing you've got one more name on the list of people you can go to if something big goes down can't hurt
anyway if you've got the time, we can do something fun like race or play games or spar or whatever you want, i'm not picky except when it comes to winning, because i'm obviously the most perfect at everything, except when i'm not
Text, UN: Patokiichi
Date: 2024-07-18 04:11 am (UTC)I am going to find him. Give me the time I need for this, and... Don't worry, he'll be okay. I'll make sure of it.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-23 06:52 pm (UTC)[ The message is delayed because Gunmax was busy getting Kagerou out of the wall. ]
Deckerd? I found Kagerou. Where are you? Are you okay?
Audio
Date: 2024-08-23 07:06 pm (UTC)You found him? [Deckerd releases a shaking vent and drags a hand down his face] That is a relief. I don't know what I could have done next. He wasn't where I thought to investigate and neither was Shadowmaru, I-
[A slight pause, and he adds hurriedly] Where are you both? Does he need to go to the engineering bay?
no subject
Date: 2024-08-23 07:49 pm (UTC)[ Oh there is something very wrong with how Deckerd sounds. It sets off all of Gunmax's alarm bells. He sits up straight and purses his mouth into a thin line. He's careful to keep it from showing in his voice though. ]
He was hiding in one of the walls. Got in there from the vents. He... no. He doesn't need the engineering bay. It's a bit more complicated than that.
[ Deckerd had gone looking for Shadowmaru as well then. Of course he had. Team leader always had to take everything on his shoulders. Gunmax shouldn't have expected anything less. ]
Patokaa, what did you do.
[ There is no wiggle room in his voice. He knows you did something Deckerd. He is giving you a chance to tell him. ]
no subject
Date: 2024-08-23 08:06 pm (UTC)Complicated. I've heard that before. It's usually code for 'bad.'
[He then pauses again as he realizes his mistake, but holds back a wince even though no one is around to see him]
I did what I thought I had to, Gunmax. I tried the direct approach. I tried going over security footage and publicly available messages on the network, also without success. I needed to try alternative methods.
[His mouth twists, and Deckerd suddenly finds himself wishing again, always, that Yuuta was here. Even if Yuuta wouldn't have been able to say anything helpful and probably would've been about to yell at him too, at least-]
I went to question the Megatron known as Antlers. He didn't do anything to them. And then I came back.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-23 08:19 pm (UTC)[ There's a sound almost like an aborted laugh. Bad was being polite about it. What he had seen... what he knew... It still makes Gunmax's tanks twist. But he's carefully quiet as he listens to Deckerd, letting him talk. Letting him explain.
The sudden explosion of air is the closest Gunmax gets to swearing when Deckerd finishes.
He's read over the logs. He knows of this Antlers. It was a fool decision and could have been disastrous and-- ]
Deckerd.
[ Gunmax doesn't yell. No it's worse. He sounds wrecked. In one sentence Deckerd has gone and confirmed all of Gunmax's worst fears for him running off and getting himself into trouble. Going where Gunmax can't follow.
Gunmax sounds afraid.
And then, so so softly it's barely even a whisper: ] Are you okay? He didn't do anything to you?
no subject
Date: 2024-08-23 08:50 pm (UTC)[Deckerd actually steps away from the wall as if to reach out for Gunmax, but he isn't here. He isn't here, and he thought --knew-- Deckerd might have- When Deckerd knew very well what situation Gunmax had come from-]
[Shame, sharp and overwhelming, nearly chokes him and it takes a second before he can force his voxcoder into remembering it can and will and must work, too]
Gunmax, it- No. I'm fine. I am fine. Listen to the sound of my voice. I am in one piece and I am back on the ship and I am safe.
[Deckerd hesitates, because... Because he knew there were words you were supposed to say when someone was panicking and it was your fault, but he didn't know them. Didn't know what to do, or how. He made a small, almost inaudible noise of distress that he quickly swallowed down with a silent snarl at himself]
What... what should I do? What do you need me to do?
no subject
Date: 2024-08-23 09:16 pm (UTC)[ The fear is still strong. It still thrums in his lines like hummingbird wings as Gunmax forces himself to vent in even, measured breaths. Deckerd is okay. Deckerd is on the ship. Deckerd wasn't hurt.
He closes his optics and sinks onto a chair, dragging his hand over his face. He can't help the way it shakes. His joints are almost stiff with the force of it. ]
Just--
[ His voice crackles out in a blip of static and there's a quiet click as he resets his vocoder. Overwhelmed. Still so, so afraid even though he knows it's okay. Even though he knows Deckerd is okay. It doesn't stop the flashbacks. It doesn't stop the ghost of Deckerd in his processor, laying in a pool of oil with a broken child in his hands, whispering how he was sorry, he didn't mean to--
Gunmax's vent is ragged and he almost drops the comm entirely. ]
I--
[ He opens his optics and stares at the far wall of his hab. He counts wall panels. Giving himself something to focus on outside of his own processor. He was supposed to be better than this. He was supposed to keep it together. He'd buried the memory file. It wasn't supposed to surface like this.
But then how could Gunmax know for sure that Deckerd was okay? Hadn't he hallucinated before? Hadn't he heard him before when there was nothing there? That was the price he paid for carrying those memory files inside of him. He couldn't trust his audials. Couldn't trust just the comm. Even when he looked at it, confirming that it was on and active he couldn't trust it. ]
The door of my room is open.
[ Please. ]
no subject
Date: 2024-08-23 09:39 pm (UTC)I'm nearby. I will be there soon.
[He was telling the whole truth this time. It is less than five minutes before the automatic door slides open and Deckerd strides in. He starts to reach for Gunmax now that he's here, but stops himself before they rise very far from his sides. His mouth starts to twist again into a snarl at his own selfishness, but he smooths it out and shoves it away where he only feels the cold of it]
[Deckerd approaches in silence and kneels in front of Gunmax in apology and supplication and shame. He finally reaches out to take one of Gunmax's hands in both of his and smooths his thumbs over his partner's]
Look at me. [He has minor dents and minor pains and his hands ache again from how he's been picking at the most recent patches, but-] This is what is happening, right here. I am fine. I am safe. I am here with you.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-23 10:02 pm (UTC)[He twitches at the sound of the door opening, and when he turns to look at Deckerd for a moment there is a haunted look in his optics, like he's seeing through Deckerd. There but not really. Stuck in his head. Questioning his reality.
His shades are still off, leaving just the pale orange glow of his optics in the darkness of his habsuite. He is so much more vulnerable like this. So much of an open book.
It's easy, so so easy, to read the fear there. The indecision. The worry.
Even when Deckerd takes his hands, the curl of Gunmax's mouth suggests he isn't sure this isn't just a very detailed hallucination.
It wouldn't be the first time after all. And he doubts it would be the last.
Each vent is shaky and shuddering; in and out in an uneven pattern as he clings back to Deckerd and reality. Grounding himself in what he can. Prying himself out of his memories. ]
... De-ck-erd.
[ Fragmented and static, but at least it's words. Acknowledging Deckerd's presence. He inhales deep and squeezes Deckerd's hands as his antenna swings back flat. ]
I-- sorry.
[ He hadn't meant to panic like this. Hadn't meant to spiral. ]
no subject
Date: 2024-08-23 10:31 pm (UTC)No. [He says it firmly, but gentle as that kiss, as the cheek he presses into Gunmax's palm next] I won't accept an apology for something that shouldn't be apologized for in the first place. You were afraid. I made you-
[He swallows, and offlines his optics again so he won't have to see Gunmax's anymore. Gunmax usually kept his optics hidden. It felt like he was looking at something that didn't belong to him, that was invasive of him]
I don't- I have no idea what I'm doing but I know what I won't be. That is one of those things.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-23 11:35 pm (UTC)[ Gunmax doesn't like that Deckerd feels shame. The shame isn't Deckerd's to feel. Deckerd works in security for Godsake, of course, he's going to go off when someone is missing. Of course, he's going to get into dangerous situations. Gunmax knows that. He can't spiral into a panic every time Deckerd takes that chance at getting hurt.
But before he can voice that, Deckerd turns his optics off and the noise Gunmax lets out is almost feral. It's a high-pitched whine of overtaxed systems, the click-click-click of his vocoder shorting out and resetting. He curls his fingers around Deckerd's cheek and brings his other hand to Deckerd's shoulder.
Alive. Warm. A physical reminder.
It doesn't stop the ghostly overlay of a corpse at his feet.
He can't speak. He can't ask Deckerd to look at him. There is only the tremble in his hands, in his limbs; there is only the shaking of each vent as he struggles and struggles to draw air over his too-warm systems. Please, please, he can't do this again. He can't see ghosts where living mechs sit. ]
no subject
Date: 2024-08-23 11:51 pm (UTC)[Deckerd's optics flare back on so quickly that the initial flash must have been too bright, he knew it was too bright without Gunmax's shades-]
[He is up and on his feet and drawing Gunmax up even as he half collapses into him] I'm alive! [He says fiercely, or tries to, but his voice cracks with desperation of his own] I'm alive, I'm alive, it's okay. You don't have to-
[He turns his face to bury it against Gunmax's helmet, then again to press kiss after kiss against his cheek, each one punctuated by the same words]
I'm alive, I'm alive, do you feel this? I'm alive.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-24 04:15 am (UTC)[ Each ragged vent is more whine than air as the trembling moves from Gunmax's limbs to his frame at large. He sinks into Deckerd; warm, alive, present. Speaking to him and assuring him in ways his hallucinations never did.
He should have gotten that debugged when he had the chance.
He clings. God does he cling. He grabs onto Deckerd with both hands and he holds so tight he might break something but he can't bring himself to say sorry because what if what if what if--
There is a corpse in his mind and it is covered in oil and it whispers apologies to him every night. It says "I love you" and "I'm sorry" and "I tried" and Gunmax wakes up every morning by disabling his vocoder so he doesn't scream.He pants and it's harsh, jagged. But it works to cool his rapidly heating frame. He turns his head just enough to tuck his face into Deckerd's neck and inhales ozone and motor oil, moving components of a mech that is alive.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the trembling subsides. ]
I'm sorry.
[ His voice is glitchy, but it's there. Whisper soft and more binary than words, but it's there. ]
Didn't ex-pect... Trigger.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-24 04:42 am (UTC)[He feels all of that, sucks in his own shuddering vent and then a second one, but only those. No more. Gunmax needed him calm and he needed him to be reassuring. This was not the time to be useless in a crisis, because what Gunmax didn't need was for Deckerd to get into a loop of Gunmax's panic making Deckerd panic, which would lead to Gunmax panicking even more-]
[No.]
You do not need to- it is... okay. [His voice comes out as a rasp] Now we know, don't we? Don't shut off my optics around you, or at least not when you're already on edge. We're learning what helps you. Which means that you have actually been very good, the way you always are. Very brave. [That last part is followed by a strained laugh, but he also genuinely means it] It- it isn't a failing to be afraid. I've got you. I'm here. I'm alive.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-24 12:47 pm (UTC)[ Now they know. Just another flag he needs to add to his growing list because one wrong move in an already sensitive state sends him spiraling and--
How is he supposed to do his job like this? How is he supposed to keep Deckerd safe? Or anyone for that matter?
He knows it isn't fair or right of him to think of himself that way but he can't help it. Now that the panic is fading all that's left is annoyance at himself, at the situation, at letting his guard down enough to get blindsided by someone turning off their optics of all things--
He takes a shuddering vent and leans into Deckerd. It's okay. They're okay. Just breathe. Just breathe. ]
Feels like one.
[ It feels like failing. It always feels like failing. His fear was what led to-- was what meant--
He slams the memory files shut and shoves them down, down, down deep into his processor. No more today. No more. ]
no subject
Date: 2024-08-24 01:03 pm (UTC)[Another soft, shuddering vent he does his best not to allow to linger]
I can only hope that hearing it can be added to a pile of similar things, and that one day it will tilt the invisible scales in your favor. Besides... if it was a failure...
[His fingers tightened again at his own hypocrisy in what he was about to say, and he smoothed them back into those patterns]
Would that be so bad? People fail, every day. Why does it have to mean anything?
no subject
Date: 2024-08-24 01:18 pm (UTC)[ That does, at least, manage to get Gunmax to wheeze out a half laugh. Control issues. Yeah, Todou would say that. And hell if it wasn't true. Gunmax was known for having some of the worst control issues and he admits it every day.
He relaxes slowly as Deckerd traces patterns. Simple things that he can follow without looking. It comforting and soothing and it eases the tension out of his frame until he's almost limp against the older Brave.
He always forgets how much energy panic takes from him. Whoever coded that program needed to look over it again.
But Gunmax still hums a quiet sound in response. He curls his arms around Deckerd, holding him, and breathes an almost sigh. ]
I know this is about me right now, but giving hypocritical advice is a bad look, patokaa.
[ Finally the static has left his voice, leaving him just sounding tired and worn down. ]
no subject
Date: 2024-08-24 01:39 pm (UTC)It is a good thing then that you are so overwhelmed by how true and meaningful it was, [Deckerd says with heavy layers of false sincerity] that we don't ever need to talk about what I said ever again. Or how you are going to take it to heart and relax, no matter what that takes.
[Deckerd doesn't always truly get humor but he wants to make the attempt, just as much as what he does next, which is to stand and pull Gunmax after him]
Starting with a recharge, right now. Another one of my very wise and not at all hypocritical ideas. I will be with you. [He adds this more gently] I will stay right here until you wake up again, if you want me to.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-24 01:49 pm (UTC)[ The soft laugh that pulls from Gunmax is leagues better than anything else Deckerd could have gotten. He cycles his optics and leans back a little as he's pulled to his feet. ]
We're gonna talk about it, Deckerd. Just not today.
[ He's too tired for it today. Which is also why he's not fighting the way Deckerd guides him back to the bed. But worry does briefly flicker across his expression. He squeezes Deckerd's hands gently as he follows. ]
I do. I want you to stay. I just--
[ He swallows and cycles his optics again. ]
I have nightmares. Frequently. As a warning.
[ Not asking Deckerd to leave. Not trying to scare him off. Just... letting him know. ]
no subject
Date: 2024-08-24 02:22 pm (UTC)Having the opportunity to spend more time with you isn't such a hardship. Nightmares will just be another part of what that means.
[He then glances at the bed as he gently guides Gunmax into sitting on the edge of it and laughs a little self consciously. He starts to fidget with his hands until the welds pull painfully and he immediately stops]
All these months later and I am still far more used to recharging as a patrol car or in a cradle, rather than whatever this is, so I am glad you have grown comfortable with it. Should I pull up your chair, or...?
no subject
Date: 2024-08-24 02:44 pm (UTC)[ Gunmax slants a smile, wry though it is. ]
Spend a few months sleeping on the streets and anything is luxury. Cradle, bed, doesn't much make a difference to me now.
[ He looks up at Deckerd, amusement dimming the glow of his optics into something soft and barely there. He takes one of Deckerd's hands and kisses his palm gently, lovingly. A moment later, he tugs Deckerd onto the bed next to him. ]
You need to recharge too. And I'll sleep better if you're right beside me.
[ An excuse to cuddle? Perhaps. But Gunmax isn't above such tactics. ]
no subject
Date: 2024-08-24 03:47 pm (UTC)[And he-]
[Deckerd gapes, his finials twitching, but he has entirely forgotten what he was going to say so he just sort of aimlessly stutters as he's tugged onto the bed. His sensors immediately register a difference in his internal temperature in his cheeks, but it is fine, everything is fine. Added to that... It has been longer than some would have liked since he last recharged, and now that he's lying down and isn't moving, it is a lot harder to ignore]
[He resets his voxcoder, but his voice still comes out more than a little unsteady for reasons he is sure have very little to do with being so near to Gunmax]
I have never once needed recharge since I was first activated, but if it will do you good, I suppose. [He says it teasingly, but he is already leaning into Gunmax. He keeps the hand Gunmax had kissed closer to his chest as if he can keep it like a secret, even though nothing stays forever. He knows that. He understands. But... maybe the universe can be convinced to forget that for a little while, so he can pretend]
no subject
Date: 2024-08-24 04:53 pm (UTC)[ Gunmax laughs and throws his arm around Deckerd, pulling him in close. He tucks his head underneath Deckerd's chin and nestles in, relaxing. The faint whine of his systems fades almost instantly, soothed by Deckerd's presence and closeness. He sighs and lets himself go limp. ]
Thank you. For coming back, and for staying with me.
[ He murmurs it, the words half buried in Deckerd's neck. ]
I love you.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-24 06:31 pm (UTC)[He can stay here right now, however, so he does. So he trails his fingers in those aimless, comforting patterns from earlier and allows himself to actually relax for the first time all day. He curls around Gunmax and the tension drains away from him as if he'd sprung a leak somewhere, until all that is left is warmth and the soft hum of Gunmax's systems against him]
I love you, too. [He says it back just as quietly, already drowsy, and nuzzles the top of Gunmax's head with his cheek] I'll be here when you wake up. It's okay to sleep. It's safe. You won't be alone with your nightmares.
*Jaws theme song*
Date: 2024-08-26 02:18 am (UTC)Deckerd spent another few minutes reading this over with glazed over optics. It took multiple attempts for him to absorb the information. Both because it felt like it was delivered to him from far away and through muffling layers of cotton, but also because it had to fight past the echoes of yesterday's conversation with Six Oh Four.
He had gotten Yuuta killed.
Yuuta had been killed in large part because of his own recklessness.
This --he-- was the source of Gunmax's nightmares and hallucinations.
The words floated around and around and around his processor as they had every minute of every hour since they had been said to him, but he knew what to do now. He understood. He understood that he could not cope with knowing these things. He understood that as an AI, his world and his mind were defined by data.
The answer then, was simple.
Deckerd had returned to the brigade labs on his way out of security this evening, and took tools that the video assured him he would need. He then walked and he walked, and he sat.
He wrote the messages that he had initially tried and failed to use as a way to distract himself but which he thought still deserved to be said, and then he removed his helmet. The delicate hardware of his processor now partially exposed, Deckerd consulted the diagram again. It told him what to do.
It was easy.
Somewhere far away and growing farther was a voice attempting to catch his attention. Maybe it was his own, or Gunmax's, or Starscream's, or Gold Arm's, or Soundwave's.
He ignored it.
It was easy.
Everything already felt both too far away and too close, suffocating and alarming and far, far too much, and it was a relief to instead pay attention to one step after another. To connecting a cord from his datapad to a port just beneath his audial. It was uncomfortable. He ignored that, too.
He then used his datapad to begin to hunt down and delete files. At first, it was easy. As easy as venting or holding a hand or laughing at the cape Starscream had worn to a party.
He no longer was quite certain which one.
As he kept going and going, the hand he'd kept cupped protectively against his head started to shake, scratching down the length of exposed parts. His vision blurred, and thoughtless, wordless noises began to pour out of his mouth in a stream. He had manually deactivated his comm before he'd started, but it clicked on again now as he began to thrash.
The word he said between bursts of crackling static was not Yuuta's name.
Prepare Your Kneecaps for Removal
Date: 2024-08-26 11:40 pm (UTC)It was no secret to Gunmax that Deckerd wasn't doing well. Considering what Deckerd had been told--which Gunmax had firmly told Six was to stay a secret==it isn't a surprise at all that Deckerd spent the following 24 hours disassociating. But Deckerd being Deckerd had been determined to work, and Gunmax hadn't been able to follow him.
And then Deckerd hadn't come back.
He hadn't come back, his comms were offline, and Gunmax didn't know where Deckerd was.
Right until his comms clicked back on and Deckerd was there in his audials screaming.
Gunmax froze, his systems instantly whining with fear. No. No no no. No. He couldn't afford to freeze up now. Not with that sound. Not with-- Not when--
:: Deckerd? Deckerd, I'm coming. Hold on. Just hold on, patokaa. ::
He opened the tracker, pinging Deckerd's signal, and booked it down the halls. Why was Deckerd there? Why was Deckerd still screaming? Gunmax didn't like it. He didn't like it at all.
He practically skidded into the hall where the tracker said Deckerd was, his vents heaving. "Deckerd!"
✨😌✨
Date: 2024-08-27 12:18 am (UTC)Deckerd was only faintly aware of anything outside of himself. There was noise, movement, but his whole world had narrowed down to scattered, disconnected audio and visual clips flashing through his mind at a frantic pace.
Red and red and snarling gold, "-if you crash around like a damn newbuild? If you break our only damn way of getting-"
Hands reaching out, a glimpse of a visor that scattered sparks through his mind. "-scared and stressed and in a new place, I get it, sugar. But you gotta stop and think, hun. If you hurt yourself tryin' to get back to Yuuta he's gonna be upse-"
"-ou keep that up," red and white and a scratchy voice that he wanted back before it'd even finished, "you are going to injure yours-."
Purple on purple lights that pulsed along to the words, “-you–move forward–with–what you’ve–learned-”
Angles and colors that hurt, that make Deckerd keen a noise that fell apart. "-ve, Deckerd. It's-"
A voice in his audial he no longer recognized as his own or understood, but there, there was a clip accompanying it of Yuuta smiling, Yuuta's mouth moving silently, Yuuta Yuuta Yuuta. Deckerd tried to reach out a hand for him but the video fell apart and all that was left was the great, teetering wall that loomed in his mind like a wave, obliterating everything in its path.
"Live your life with courage."
no subject
Date: 2024-08-27 05:00 pm (UTC)Robots aren't supposed to seize like that. The only time Gunmax can remember ever seeing something like that before was when one of them got electrocuted. Shocked by a giant cattle prod that some villain had that Drill Boy hadn't dodged fast enough.
Seeing Deckerd writhing on the hallway floor? It made him sick to his core and ice cold. Numb in a way that nothing could touch.
His worst fears realized all over again.
Deckerd was dying in front of him.
It couldn't be anything else. Or at least, that's what his processor told him. Deckerd was seizing and screaming and those weren't words anymore or even recognizable binary it was just sound and—
Gunmax hit his knees at Deckerd's side. Carefully, oh so carefully, he pulled his partner into his lap and cradled the bare endoskull. "I'm right here, Deckerd. I'm right here, I'm not leaving you."
"Just stay with me in the current moment, okay? Don't go running into the future or the past. Just... Stay with me."
"I don't know that I can- I'll try. For you, I'll always try. I don't know that I'll succeed, but... For you."
"Just hold tight, Patokaa. You're gonna— you're gonna be just fine. Just— just stay with me, okay? I'm gonna get you help." Gunmax's voice trembled, wavering with static, and he slammed his emotions onto the backburner. The lowest level of his processor was dedicated to sorting through those now. He needed to be calm and collected for Deckerd.
Deckerd needed him. Gunmax was not going to fail him again.
He reached for the data pad, scanning over the contents quickly. His tanks churned uncomfortably, even empty as they were. Memory files…? Deckerd had been—?
He vented slow and steady. He could panic later. He could yell later. Right now, right now he needed help from someone who understood coding better than he did. He flicked open his internal comms and dialed without questioning the first name he thought of.
::Gunmax?::
::Six.:: Gunmax pinged his location to the medic, ignoring the part of his processor that yelled about how this was Six's fault. That he couldn't trust Six to fix the problem. ::Deckerd is dying. He did something to his memory files.::
::His memory— he what?::
::Can you fix it or not, Six oh Four.::
::I don't know? Why would— is this because—::
::Yeah, I'm pretty fucking sure it's because you told him what happened in my universe. Now either get your ass up here and help me fix this or send me a medic that can.::
Silence stretched between them, broken only by the noise Deckerd made and the harsh whine of Gunmax's systems trying to send him into a panic. He ignored both until Six responded again.
::En route. Two minutes. What is he doing.::
Gunmax slumped over Deckerd, his mouth quivering for a moment. He didn't trust Six as far as he could throw him now, but he trusted Six to be a good medic. So he reported what was going on as accurately as he could, answering every question that Six tossed at him as the tankette drove.
Six unfolded into his root mode as he came around the corner, jogging the last few steps to Deckerd and Gunmax. His mouth was pressed into a thin line and he pulled supplies from his side bag as he moved. "Hold him still. His systems aren't going to like another person getting into them while he's attacking himself like this."
"What is his system doing?" Gunmax asked, looking up at Six. Orange met green through two layers of shades and Six's hands shook for one brief moment before he steadied them.
"In my timeline, my universe, I almost did the same thing he did." Six sank to his knees and took the datapad from Gunmax, carefully scanning through the coding that Deckerd had messed with. "We're lucky he used an external device to do this. I hacked through my internal systems. Memory files are easy to corrupt, and if you try to fix a corrupted file they can spread and corrupt your base processor."
"What do you— you knew this could happen?" Gunmax hissed.
"Shadowmaru stopped me! I thought Deckerd would have been smarter than to try something like this if a member of his own team had warned me off of it before. Everyone knows that Deckerd was wiped before and it didn't take because Yuuta's influence on him was too strong. Deckerd's memories are practically tamper proof. He's a fucking case study in the states. My creator constantly praised how well he was built and how strong his mental walls had to be to withstand what he did with the Mother attack and dying and coming back and—"
"Shut up. This Deckerd isn't that Deckerd. You should know better than anyone that not every universe is the same."
"Yeah, no shit, Sherlock. Twenty points for you." Six snorted and grabbed his own medical tablet, unspooling a cable and plugging it into Deckerd. "Keep him still. If he thrashes too much before I can turn off the pain receptors he can rupture a line. We need to keep his systems cool so he doesn't melt his sAI."
Gunmax gritted his teeth but did as Six said, reaching to steady Deckerd's shoulders and upper arms.
Six bit his tongue between his teeth and worked as fast as he dared. The damage was… extensive to say the least. The corruption had spread to multiple core memories, and it was as though the basic programming wasn't there at all. He swore under his breath and dug through the files, then dug through the deleted files.
Why wasn't it there?
"Deckerd what did you do?" he muttered. He pulled up the base coding of Deckerd's sAI and froze. "Oh. Oh shit." That might not be something he could fix after all.
"What 'oh shit', Six?" Gunmax asked lowly.
Six forced himself to vent slow and steady, not letting the spike of panic get the best of him. He could fix it. He would fix it. Deckerd just… Deckerd just needed a fresh sAI code. Not his, or Gunmax's. They wouldn't be compatible since their base coding was so thoroughly entrenched in their personality matrix but… where was he going to get a back up sAI? They didn't have back up sAIs on the R2.
The partially melted chip in his hip pocket burned in reminder.
If he reformatted it—
He'd lose Trip forever.
If he didn't then they'd lose Deckerd.
Trip was already dead.
Deckerd was dying.
The choice should have been easy. It should have been. And yet still Six hesitated. He hadn't even told anyone that he was carrying Trip. He had kept it a secret tucked close to his chest. His failure and burden to bear, the last thing he had of his brother. Could he give that up?
And then he looked at Deckerd, looked at Gunmax hunched over his head, and felt his chest squeeze tight until he couldn't breathe around it.
I'm sorry, Trip.
He didn't answer Gunmax, choosing instead to pull the sAI out of his pocket and carefully connect it to his tablet. He numbed himself to it as he clicked through the menus, reformatting the chip. The tablet chimed a cheerful tune when it finished. Six felt it like a knife in the gut.
"This may not fix everything. He'll probably still need to do some form of therapy, physical too, but it should at least get him back online." His voice sounded distant to even himself. That was fine.
He'd killed Trip a second time. What kind of older brother was he?At least the coding was easy. Six had been messing with code longer than he'd been on the R2 at this point. He copied the clean files into Deckerd, restored the files, and ran a scan to make sure everything came up clear. Only then did he disconnect everything.
"Deckerd?" he asked, leaning over his patient. "Hey, sugar, can you hear us? Give us a sign that you're back with us."
Gunmax stroked his fingers over Deckerd's cheeks. "Come on, patokaa."
no subject
Date: 2024-08-27 07:42 pm (UTC)Deckerd looked up at Gunmax and Six, and for a long moment that lasted a thousand years and three seconds, he did nothing more than look. Then his mouth moved, but all that came out was noises. Parts of words that didn't make sense mixed with static.
Everything was coming to him through a fog, but he was becoming increasingly aware that he was confused, and that he was unhappy. Something was wrong, something was-
"He told me, you know. He told me about you in his universe. How he lost you. How you lost Yuuta. He has nightmares and hallucinations about you. And you know the worst part, Deckerd? He told m-"
Deckerd's vents whined as he started to vent fast and harshly. He didn't know why he was here, why he was on his back on the floor with his head in Gunmax's lap with Six bent over him, why he couldn't talk or why his limbs weren't responding properly when he tried to move, but he'd hurt Yuuta he'd killed Yuuta, he'd-
Deckerd reached up a shaking hand for Gunmax, but the first words he managed to say over the comms weren't about him at all the way he'd intended. Instead, he slurred in a faint, stumbling voice, ::I'm still charging, I need more time.::
no subject
Date: 2024-08-27 07:58 pm (UTC)Gunmax caught Deckerd's hand, pressing the back of it to his mouth. He might have sobbed, but it was trapped behind his teeth and swallowed down so he didn't distress Deckerd further. "Hey, patokaa. Hey there." He squeezed his hand and kissed Deckerd's knuckles gently. "Yeah I bet you need more time. You gave me quite the scare there."
He flicked his gaze up to Six as Six wound up the cables. "Well?"
"Scans are coming back as clean as they could be. He needs rest, and probably some therapy. He'll be confused for a bit, probably a bit slower than normal. His systems are going to be rebooting for a while," Six said softly. He slipped the chip back into his pocket and tucked the tablets back into his bag. "He's going to be okay, Gunmax."
Gunmax bent over Deckerd and pressed his mouth against Deckerd's knuckles again, whispering a thankful prayer to a God he wasn't sure he totally believed in. "Let's... Let's go get you to a berth, yeah, Deckerd? That way you can rest."
Action -> Gunmax's room
Date: 2024-10-14 04:55 pm (UTC)And the memories of that conversation with Six... it hasn't worked. He'd nearly died for nothing. Terrified Gunmax and Six and Starscream for nothing.
He looked up when he heard Gunmax come in, then back down.He didn't know what to say. He never did. After a moment, he lifted up the datapad in his lap. ::You said I could use your spare datapad when you aren't here. I tried organizing your homescreen,:: he said tiredly, but his smile twitched up into an attempt at a smile, ::but I think that is beyond anyone's skills.::