[He was telling the whole truth this time. It is less than five minutes before the automatic door slides open and Deckerd strides in. He starts to reach for Gunmax now that he's here, but stops himself before they rise very far from his sides. His mouth starts to twist again into a snarl at his own selfishness, but he smooths it out and shoves it away where he only feels the cold of it]
[Deckerd approaches in silence and kneels in front of Gunmax in apology and supplication and shame. He finally reaches out to take one of Gunmax's hands in both of his and smooths his thumbs over his partner's]
Look at me. [He has minor dents and minor pains and his hands ache again from how he's been picking at the most recent patches, but-] This is what is happening, right here. I am fine. I am safe. I am here with you.
[He twitches at the sound of the door opening, and when he turns to look at
Deckerd for a moment there is a haunted look in his optics, like he's
seeing through Deckerd. There but not really. Stuck in his head.
Questioning his reality.
His shades are still off, leaving just the pale orange glow of his optics
in the darkness of his habsuite. He is so much more vulnerable like this.
So much of an open book.
It's easy, so so easy, to read the fear there. The indecision. The worry.
Even when Deckerd takes his hands, the curl of Gunmax's mouth suggests he
isn't sure this isn't just a very detailed hallucination.
It wouldn't be the first time after all. And he doubts it would be the last.
Each vent is shaky and shuddering; in and out in an uneven pattern as he
clings back to Deckerd and reality. Grounding himself in what he can.
Prying himself out of his memories. ]
... De-ck-erd.
[ Fragmented and static, but at least it's words. Acknowledging Deckerd's
presence. He inhales deep and squeezes Deckerd's hands as his antenna
swings back flat. ]
I-- sorry.
[ He hadn't meant to panic like this. Hadn't meant to spiral. ]
[Deckerd hunches around that hand and looks up at Gunmax with what is unfortunately a very familiar expression of agonized shame. He grips that hand and turns it before raising it to his lips to press a very gentle, if equally clumsy kiss into the center of his palm. He still isn't exactly used to kissing or even hugging, but he feels he needs to do this. Gunmax needs this]
No. [He says it firmly, but gentle as that kiss, as the cheek he presses into Gunmax's palm next] I won't accept an apology for something that shouldn't be apologized for in the first place. You were afraid. I made you-
[He swallows, and offlines his optics again so he won't have to see Gunmax's anymore. Gunmax usually kept his optics hidden. It felt like he was looking at something that didn't belong to him, that was invasive of him]
I don't- I have no idea what I'm doing but I know what I won't be. That is one of those things.
[ Gunmax doesn't like that Deckerd feels shame. The shame isn't Deckerd's to feel. Deckerd works in security for Godsake, of course, he's going to go off when someone is missing. Of course, he's going to get into dangerous situations. Gunmax knows that. He can't spiral into a panic every time Deckerd takes that chance at getting hurt.
But before he can voice that, Deckerd turns his optics off and the noise Gunmax lets out is almost feral. It's a high-pitched whine of overtaxed systems, the click-click-click of his vocoder shorting out and resetting. He curls his fingers around Deckerd's cheek and brings his other hand to Deckerd's shoulder.
Alive. Warm. A physical reminder.
It doesn't stop the ghostly overlay of a corpse at his feet.
He can't speak. He can't ask Deckerd to look at him. There is only the tremble in his hands, in his limbs; there is only the shaking of each vent as he struggles and struggles to draw air over his too-warm systems. Please, please, he can't do this again. He can't see ghosts where living mechs sit. ]
[Deckerd's face twists into a puzzled expression but he doesn't turn his optics back on yet, preoccupied with putting together what his sensors were telling him. Gunmax's hands were shaking, he was making noise, he-]
[Deckerd's optics flare back on so quickly that the initial flash must have been too bright, he knew it was too bright without Gunmax's shades-]
[He is up and on his feet and drawing Gunmax up even as he half collapses into him] I'm alive! [He says fiercely, or tries to, but his voice cracks with desperation of his own] I'm alive, I'm alive, it's okay. You don't have to-
[He turns his face to bury it against Gunmax's helmet, then again to press kiss after kiss against his cheek, each one punctuated by the same words]
I'm alive, I'm alive, do you feel this? I'm alive.
[ Each ragged vent is more whine than air as the trembling moves from
Gunmax's limbs to his frame at large. He sinks into Deckerd; warm, alive,
present. Speaking to him and assuring him in ways his hallucinations never
did.
He should have gotten that debugged when he had the chance.
He clings. God does he cling. He grabs onto Deckerd with both hands and he
holds so tight he might break something but he can't bring himself to say
sorry because what if what if what if--
There is a corpse in his mind and it is covered in oil and it whispers
apologies to him every night. It says "I love you" and "I'm sorry" and "I
tried" and Gunmax wakes up every morning by disabling his vocoder so he
doesn't scream.
He pants and it's harsh, jagged. But it works to cool his rapidly heating
frame. He turns his head just enough to tuck his face into Deckerd's neck
and inhales ozone and motor oil, moving components of a mech that is
alive.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the trembling subsides. ]
I'm sorry.
[ His voice is glitchy, but it's there. Whisper soft and more binary than
words, but it's there. ]
[The welds on Deckerd's aching hands creak and sting as he clutches at Gunmax just as tightly. With his face turned where Gunmax can't see it, Deckerd lets his expression crumple. He lets himself feel the guilt and worry and shame and spiraling panic about what if this happened again what if Gunmax couldn't be calmed down what if Deckerd really had gotten hurt and Gunmax found out...]
[He feels all of that, sucks in his own shuddering vent and then a second one, but only those. No more. Gunmax needed him calm and he needed him to be reassuring. This was not the time to be useless in a crisis, because what Gunmax didn't need was for Deckerd to get into a loop of Gunmax's panic making Deckerd panic, which would lead to Gunmax panicking even more-]
[No.]
You do not need to- it is... okay. [His voice comes out as a rasp] Now we know, don't we? Don't shut off my optics around you, or at least not when you're already on edge. We're learning what helps you. Which means that you have actually been very good, the way you always are. Very brave. [That last part is followed by a strained laugh, but he also genuinely means it] It- it isn't a failing to be afraid. I've got you. I'm here. I'm alive.
[ Now they know. Just another flag he needs to add to his growing list because one wrong move in an already sensitive state sends him spiraling and--
How is he supposed to do his job like this? How is he supposed to keep Deckerd safe? Or anyone for that matter?
He knows it isn't fair or right of him to think of himself that way but he can't help it. Now that the panic is fading all that's left is annoyance at himself, at the situation, at letting his guard down enough to get blindsided by someone turning off their optics of all things--
He takes a shuddering vent and leans into Deckerd. It's okay. They're okay. Just breathe. Just breathe. ]
Feels like one.
[ It feels like failing. It always feels like failing. His fear was what led to-- was what meant--
He slams the memory files shut and shoves them down, down, down deep into his processor. No more today. No more. ]
Of course it does. [Deckerd snorts it affectionately, and forces his hands to gentle on Gunmax and smooth in what he hoped were soothing patterns] You're you. You're one of mine, were long before either of us said anything. We all came pre-installed with what I believe Todo once called 'control issues.' There was never any chance that you wouldn't think so. But...
[Another soft, shuddering vent he does his best not to allow to linger]
I can only hope that hearing it can be added to a pile of similar things, and that one day it will tilt the invisible scales in your favor. Besides... if it was a failure...
[His fingers tightened again at his own hypocrisy in what he was about to say, and he smoothed them back into those patterns]
Would that be so bad? People fail, every day. Why does it have to mean anything?
[ That does, at least, manage to get Gunmax to wheeze out a half laugh. Control issues. Yeah, Todou would say that. And hell if it wasn't true. Gunmax was known for having some of the worst control issues and he admits it every day.
He relaxes slowly as Deckerd traces patterns. Simple things that he can follow without looking. It comforting and soothing and it eases the tension out of his frame until he's almost limp against the older Brave.
He always forgets how much energy panic takes from him. Whoever coded that program needed to look over it again.
But Gunmax still hums a quiet sound in response. He curls his arms around Deckerd, holding him, and breathes an almost sigh. ]
I know this is about me right now, but giving hypocritical advice is a bad look, patokaa.
[ Finally the static has left his voice, leaving him just sounding tired and worn down. ]
[Deckerd slowly relaxes as well, and for a moment or two he allows himself to simply take comfort of his own from holding Gunmax and being held. Not too long, though, never too long. He needs to stay focused and on task. Not because it is his duty to be and he is coded to do his duty in all things, but because his heart burns to do everything he can to make things even a little better for Gunmax]
It is a good thing then that you are so overwhelmed by how true and meaningful it was, [Deckerd says with heavy layers of false sincerity] that we don't ever need to talk about what I said ever again. Or how you are going to take it to heart and relax, no matter what that takes.
[Deckerd doesn't always truly get humor but he wants to make the attempt, just as much as what he does next, which is to stand and pull Gunmax after him]
Starting with a recharge, right now. Another one of my very wise and not at all hypocritical ideas. I will be with you. [He adds this more gently] I will stay right here until you wake up again, if you want me to.
[ The soft laugh that pulls from Gunmax is leagues better than anything else Deckerd could have gotten. He cycles his optics and leans back a little as he's pulled to his feet. ]
We're gonna talk about it, Deckerd. Just not today.
[ He's too tired for it today. Which is also why he's not fighting the way Deckerd guides him back to the bed. But worry does briefly flicker across his expression. He squeezes Deckerd's hands gently as he follows. ]
I do. I want you to stay. I just--
[ He swallows and cycles his optics again. ]
I have nightmares. Frequently. As a warning.
[ Not asking Deckerd to leave. Not trying to scare him off. Just... letting him know. ]
[Deckerd squeezes Gunmax's hand right back, relieved beyond words that he is still able to make Gunmax laugh. He might be responsible for every other part of this situation, but at least he could still pull Gunmax out of the tailspin he'd shoved him into]
Having the opportunity to spend more time with you isn't such a hardship. Nightmares will just be another part of what that means.
[He then glances at the bed as he gently guides Gunmax into sitting on the edge of it and laughs a little self consciously. He starts to fidget with his hands until the welds pull painfully and he immediately stops]
All these months later and I am still far more used to recharging as a patrol car or in a cradle, rather than whatever this is, so I am glad you have grown comfortable with it. Should I pull up your chair, or...?
Spend a few months sleeping on the streets and anything is luxury. Cradle,
bed, doesn't much make a difference to me now.
[ He looks up at Deckerd, amusement dimming the glow of his optics into
something soft and barely there. He takes one of Deckerd's hands and kisses
his palm gently, lovingly. A moment later, he tugs Deckerd onto the bed
next to him. ]
You need to recharge too. And I'll sleep better if you're right beside me.
[ An excuse to cuddle? Perhaps. But Gunmax isn't above such tactics. ]
[Deckerd starts to open his mouth to apologize when Gunmax takes his hand and-]
[And he-]
[Deckerd gapes, his finials twitching, but he has entirely forgotten what he was going to say so he just sort of aimlessly stutters as he's tugged onto the bed. His sensors immediately register a difference in his internal temperature in his cheeks, but it is fine, everything is fine. Added to that... It has been longer than some would have liked since he last recharged, and now that he's lying down and isn't moving, it is a lot harder to ignore]
[He resets his voxcoder, but his voice still comes out more than a little unsteady for reasons he is sure have very little to do with being so near to Gunmax]
I have never once needed recharge since I was first activated, but if it will do you good, I suppose. [He says it teasingly, but he is already leaning into Gunmax. He keeps the hand Gunmax had kissed closer to his chest as if he can keep it like a secret, even though nothing stays forever. He knows that. He understands. But... maybe the universe can be convinced to forget that for a little while, so he can pretend]
[ Gunmax laughs and throws his arm around Deckerd, pulling him in close. He tucks his head underneath Deckerd's chin and nestles in, relaxing. The faint whine of his systems fades almost instantly, soothed by Deckerd's presence and closeness. He sighs and lets himself go limp. ]
Thank you. For coming back, and for staying with me.
[ He murmurs it, the words half buried in Deckerd's neck. ]
[Deckerd wants to make promises in this moment, but he can't. They would both know they would be lies. He wants to stay like this forever, but he can't]
[He can stay here right now, however, so he does. So he trails his fingers in those aimless, comforting patterns from earlier and allows himself to actually relax for the first time all day. He curls around Gunmax and the tension drains away from him as if he'd sprung a leak somewhere, until all that is left is warmth and the soft hum of Gunmax's systems against him]
I love you, too. [He says it back just as quietly, already drowsy, and nuzzles the top of Gunmax's head with his cheek] I'll be here when you wake up. It's okay to sleep. It's safe. You won't be alone with your nightmares.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2024-08-23 09:39 pm (UTC)I'm nearby. I will be there soon.
[He was telling the whole truth this time. It is less than five minutes before the automatic door slides open and Deckerd strides in. He starts to reach for Gunmax now that he's here, but stops himself before they rise very far from his sides. His mouth starts to twist again into a snarl at his own selfishness, but he smooths it out and shoves it away where he only feels the cold of it]
[Deckerd approaches in silence and kneels in front of Gunmax in apology and supplication and shame. He finally reaches out to take one of Gunmax's hands in both of his and smooths his thumbs over his partner's]
Look at me. [He has minor dents and minor pains and his hands ache again from how he's been picking at the most recent patches, but-] This is what is happening, right here. I am fine. I am safe. I am here with you.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-23 10:02 pm (UTC)[He twitches at the sound of the door opening, and when he turns to look at Deckerd for a moment there is a haunted look in his optics, like he's seeing through Deckerd. There but not really. Stuck in his head. Questioning his reality.
His shades are still off, leaving just the pale orange glow of his optics in the darkness of his habsuite. He is so much more vulnerable like this. So much of an open book.
It's easy, so so easy, to read the fear there. The indecision. The worry.
Even when Deckerd takes his hands, the curl of Gunmax's mouth suggests he isn't sure this isn't just a very detailed hallucination.
It wouldn't be the first time after all. And he doubts it would be the last.
Each vent is shaky and shuddering; in and out in an uneven pattern as he clings back to Deckerd and reality. Grounding himself in what he can. Prying himself out of his memories. ]
... De-ck-erd.
[ Fragmented and static, but at least it's words. Acknowledging Deckerd's presence. He inhales deep and squeezes Deckerd's hands as his antenna swings back flat. ]
I-- sorry.
[ He hadn't meant to panic like this. Hadn't meant to spiral. ]
no subject
Date: 2024-08-23 10:31 pm (UTC)No. [He says it firmly, but gentle as that kiss, as the cheek he presses into Gunmax's palm next] I won't accept an apology for something that shouldn't be apologized for in the first place. You were afraid. I made you-
[He swallows, and offlines his optics again so he won't have to see Gunmax's anymore. Gunmax usually kept his optics hidden. It felt like he was looking at something that didn't belong to him, that was invasive of him]
I don't- I have no idea what I'm doing but I know what I won't be. That is one of those things.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-23 11:35 pm (UTC)[ Gunmax doesn't like that Deckerd feels shame. The shame isn't Deckerd's to feel. Deckerd works in security for Godsake, of course, he's going to go off when someone is missing. Of course, he's going to get into dangerous situations. Gunmax knows that. He can't spiral into a panic every time Deckerd takes that chance at getting hurt.
But before he can voice that, Deckerd turns his optics off and the noise Gunmax lets out is almost feral. It's a high-pitched whine of overtaxed systems, the click-click-click of his vocoder shorting out and resetting. He curls his fingers around Deckerd's cheek and brings his other hand to Deckerd's shoulder.
Alive. Warm. A physical reminder.
It doesn't stop the ghostly overlay of a corpse at his feet.
He can't speak. He can't ask Deckerd to look at him. There is only the tremble in his hands, in his limbs; there is only the shaking of each vent as he struggles and struggles to draw air over his too-warm systems. Please, please, he can't do this again. He can't see ghosts where living mechs sit. ]
no subject
Date: 2024-08-23 11:51 pm (UTC)[Deckerd's optics flare back on so quickly that the initial flash must have been too bright, he knew it was too bright without Gunmax's shades-]
[He is up and on his feet and drawing Gunmax up even as he half collapses into him] I'm alive! [He says fiercely, or tries to, but his voice cracks with desperation of his own] I'm alive, I'm alive, it's okay. You don't have to-
[He turns his face to bury it against Gunmax's helmet, then again to press kiss after kiss against his cheek, each one punctuated by the same words]
I'm alive, I'm alive, do you feel this? I'm alive.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-24 04:15 am (UTC)[ Each ragged vent is more whine than air as the trembling moves from Gunmax's limbs to his frame at large. He sinks into Deckerd; warm, alive, present. Speaking to him and assuring him in ways his hallucinations never did.
He should have gotten that debugged when he had the chance.
He clings. God does he cling. He grabs onto Deckerd with both hands and he holds so tight he might break something but he can't bring himself to say sorry because what if what if what if--
There is a corpse in his mind and it is covered in oil and it whispers apologies to him every night. It says "I love you" and "I'm sorry" and "I tried" and Gunmax wakes up every morning by disabling his vocoder so he doesn't scream.He pants and it's harsh, jagged. But it works to cool his rapidly heating frame. He turns his head just enough to tuck his face into Deckerd's neck and inhales ozone and motor oil, moving components of a mech that is alive.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the trembling subsides. ]
I'm sorry.
[ His voice is glitchy, but it's there. Whisper soft and more binary than words, but it's there. ]
Didn't ex-pect... Trigger.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-24 04:42 am (UTC)[He feels all of that, sucks in his own shuddering vent and then a second one, but only those. No more. Gunmax needed him calm and he needed him to be reassuring. This was not the time to be useless in a crisis, because what Gunmax didn't need was for Deckerd to get into a loop of Gunmax's panic making Deckerd panic, which would lead to Gunmax panicking even more-]
[No.]
You do not need to- it is... okay. [His voice comes out as a rasp] Now we know, don't we? Don't shut off my optics around you, or at least not when you're already on edge. We're learning what helps you. Which means that you have actually been very good, the way you always are. Very brave. [That last part is followed by a strained laugh, but he also genuinely means it] It- it isn't a failing to be afraid. I've got you. I'm here. I'm alive.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-24 12:47 pm (UTC)[ Now they know. Just another flag he needs to add to his growing list because one wrong move in an already sensitive state sends him spiraling and--
How is he supposed to do his job like this? How is he supposed to keep Deckerd safe? Or anyone for that matter?
He knows it isn't fair or right of him to think of himself that way but he can't help it. Now that the panic is fading all that's left is annoyance at himself, at the situation, at letting his guard down enough to get blindsided by someone turning off their optics of all things--
He takes a shuddering vent and leans into Deckerd. It's okay. They're okay. Just breathe. Just breathe. ]
Feels like one.
[ It feels like failing. It always feels like failing. His fear was what led to-- was what meant--
He slams the memory files shut and shoves them down, down, down deep into his processor. No more today. No more. ]
no subject
Date: 2024-08-24 01:03 pm (UTC)[Another soft, shuddering vent he does his best not to allow to linger]
I can only hope that hearing it can be added to a pile of similar things, and that one day it will tilt the invisible scales in your favor. Besides... if it was a failure...
[His fingers tightened again at his own hypocrisy in what he was about to say, and he smoothed them back into those patterns]
Would that be so bad? People fail, every day. Why does it have to mean anything?
no subject
Date: 2024-08-24 01:18 pm (UTC)[ That does, at least, manage to get Gunmax to wheeze out a half laugh. Control issues. Yeah, Todou would say that. And hell if it wasn't true. Gunmax was known for having some of the worst control issues and he admits it every day.
He relaxes slowly as Deckerd traces patterns. Simple things that he can follow without looking. It comforting and soothing and it eases the tension out of his frame until he's almost limp against the older Brave.
He always forgets how much energy panic takes from him. Whoever coded that program needed to look over it again.
But Gunmax still hums a quiet sound in response. He curls his arms around Deckerd, holding him, and breathes an almost sigh. ]
I know this is about me right now, but giving hypocritical advice is a bad look, patokaa.
[ Finally the static has left his voice, leaving him just sounding tired and worn down. ]
no subject
Date: 2024-08-24 01:39 pm (UTC)It is a good thing then that you are so overwhelmed by how true and meaningful it was, [Deckerd says with heavy layers of false sincerity] that we don't ever need to talk about what I said ever again. Or how you are going to take it to heart and relax, no matter what that takes.
[Deckerd doesn't always truly get humor but he wants to make the attempt, just as much as what he does next, which is to stand and pull Gunmax after him]
Starting with a recharge, right now. Another one of my very wise and not at all hypocritical ideas. I will be with you. [He adds this more gently] I will stay right here until you wake up again, if you want me to.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-24 01:49 pm (UTC)[ The soft laugh that pulls from Gunmax is leagues better than anything else Deckerd could have gotten. He cycles his optics and leans back a little as he's pulled to his feet. ]
We're gonna talk about it, Deckerd. Just not today.
[ He's too tired for it today. Which is also why he's not fighting the way Deckerd guides him back to the bed. But worry does briefly flicker across his expression. He squeezes Deckerd's hands gently as he follows. ]
I do. I want you to stay. I just--
[ He swallows and cycles his optics again. ]
I have nightmares. Frequently. As a warning.
[ Not asking Deckerd to leave. Not trying to scare him off. Just... letting him know. ]
no subject
Date: 2024-08-24 02:22 pm (UTC)Having the opportunity to spend more time with you isn't such a hardship. Nightmares will just be another part of what that means.
[He then glances at the bed as he gently guides Gunmax into sitting on the edge of it and laughs a little self consciously. He starts to fidget with his hands until the welds pull painfully and he immediately stops]
All these months later and I am still far more used to recharging as a patrol car or in a cradle, rather than whatever this is, so I am glad you have grown comfortable with it. Should I pull up your chair, or...?
no subject
Date: 2024-08-24 02:44 pm (UTC)[ Gunmax slants a smile, wry though it is. ]
Spend a few months sleeping on the streets and anything is luxury. Cradle, bed, doesn't much make a difference to me now.
[ He looks up at Deckerd, amusement dimming the glow of his optics into something soft and barely there. He takes one of Deckerd's hands and kisses his palm gently, lovingly. A moment later, he tugs Deckerd onto the bed next to him. ]
You need to recharge too. And I'll sleep better if you're right beside me.
[ An excuse to cuddle? Perhaps. But Gunmax isn't above such tactics. ]
no subject
Date: 2024-08-24 03:47 pm (UTC)[And he-]
[Deckerd gapes, his finials twitching, but he has entirely forgotten what he was going to say so he just sort of aimlessly stutters as he's tugged onto the bed. His sensors immediately register a difference in his internal temperature in his cheeks, but it is fine, everything is fine. Added to that... It has been longer than some would have liked since he last recharged, and now that he's lying down and isn't moving, it is a lot harder to ignore]
[He resets his voxcoder, but his voice still comes out more than a little unsteady for reasons he is sure have very little to do with being so near to Gunmax]
I have never once needed recharge since I was first activated, but if it will do you good, I suppose. [He says it teasingly, but he is already leaning into Gunmax. He keeps the hand Gunmax had kissed closer to his chest as if he can keep it like a secret, even though nothing stays forever. He knows that. He understands. But... maybe the universe can be convinced to forget that for a little while, so he can pretend]
no subject
Date: 2024-08-24 04:53 pm (UTC)[ Gunmax laughs and throws his arm around Deckerd, pulling him in close. He tucks his head underneath Deckerd's chin and nestles in, relaxing. The faint whine of his systems fades almost instantly, soothed by Deckerd's presence and closeness. He sighs and lets himself go limp. ]
Thank you. For coming back, and for staying with me.
[ He murmurs it, the words half buried in Deckerd's neck. ]
I love you.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-24 06:31 pm (UTC)[He can stay here right now, however, so he does. So he trails his fingers in those aimless, comforting patterns from earlier and allows himself to actually relax for the first time all day. He curls around Gunmax and the tension drains away from him as if he'd sprung a leak somewhere, until all that is left is warmth and the soft hum of Gunmax's systems against him]
I love you, too. [He says it back just as quietly, already drowsy, and nuzzles the top of Gunmax's head with his cheek] I'll be here when you wake up. It's okay to sleep. It's safe. You won't be alone with your nightmares.